10.28.2005

"I Don't Wanna Die," Part I

An excerpt from Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: “A fellow pastor … described a church service after which he decided to act on his discernment that two members in attendance were gay. He called them into his office, and they both admitted their homosexuality and their status as lovers. The pastor kindly but firmly told them that each needed to repent of his sin and break off his relationship with the other. The one man replied: “You’re not asking me to stop smoking or change my hair color. You’re asking me to lay down everything I know to be true and tangible and submit myself to Jesus and his church where I hardly know anybody, really. You’re asking me to die.” Alive to the spiritual metaphor of death unto new life, the pastor’s eyes twinkled, and he replied almost merrily, “That’s exactly what I’m asking you to do” (Andy Comiskey, p. 78-79).

I was recently in a conversation with a friend who was looking to get away and do some homework in peace and quiet for a weekend. This person was going through a time when he or she was challenged to die to self. I suggested to this individual to go to the Abbey of Gethsemani (monestary) and he or she replied, "It's too close to Jesus."

Now, some of you may freak out about that comment. But let's face it, when He's there with your cross, do you smile and take it or do you run away?

We're all being asked to die. Last fall, I prayed in one of my weaker moments and asked God for a repentant heart. It wasn't the first time I've prayed this. And so a process began. From November until early September, I went through the darkest period of my life. We're talking health issues which contributed to multiple doctor visits. Once school was over, job prospects fell through one after the other. I've moved three times since May. But I had to be honest. Bad habits, thinking patterns, pride, fear and just sin had to stop. I had rationalized long enough. I had kept secrets long enough. My faith had to mature. It was time to grow up. I'm slowly coming out of this dark time and still learning and growing.

I write this to encourage those who are going through their dark night of the soul or the desert experience. You CANNOT walk through this alone. I tried and fell flat on my face. The last thing I wanted to do was tell people EVERYTHING that was going on. What would they think? I would get humilated. ... Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit my shortcomings. .. Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit that behind the tough exterior, there's a scared little boy afraid of failure. ... Pride. Shame.

Grace. Mercy. The grace to change and grow. The mercy to save me from destroying myself. There's a community -- a family of Believers, a Royal Priesthood -- who can walk with you through this. Thanks to those who walked and prayed for me through this. That was one lesson I had to learn.

And for those who read this. There's hope for you too. God never gave up on me. He'll never give up on you. ... Never.

10.21.2005

Residue

I've been tweaked a lot lately. I was upset over the past couple of weeks as I felt manipulated by a friend of mine. It's not the first time it's happened. Actually, it's been happening a lot over the past year. Not just with this person, but with others as well. It's been common most of my life. I was once in a relationship when it was like who can outwit, outplay, and outmanipulate the other. My boundaries weren't respected. Do I attract these people or is it just sinful human nature?

But the point is how I reacted. I went ahead and helped this person out, but underneath I was angry. There were nights I could hardly sleep. I had headaches, my appetite was here and there, etc. On top of that, through this time of growth and consecration is motivating me to stop feeding my flesh so I'm basically in withdrawal. I wanted to forgot about my calling and everything and run away into sin. What? My reaction was getting out of control.

Most likely, there's something in my past that's so hurtful that when I feel disrespected or ignored or let's face it, not important, I ready to end the relationship and move on. I don't want to work it out, I don't want to hear it, I'm tired of being in this position. In addition, I start feeling trapped. I grew up in a small town, endured a lot of heartbreak, saw a lot of unhealthy relationships and basically vowed that that cannot happen to me. If I get trapped, my life is over. And I'm just starting to learn how to live. ...

10.11.2005

Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy

Growth and healing ... Following God ... Wanting to be made whole ... Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy ... I've been hurt and had to work at setting boundaries, confessing my pain and reconciling relationships ... heartache, fear, risk ... It's been a long time since I've work at that. ... Pain from my past, the broken parts of me getting touched. ... I don't want to sin against anyone or myself. ... I don't want to be an agent of destruction. ... So, I think, I pray, I seek Godly wisdom for my choices. I'm challenged. ... I break the cycle. ... An act of Grace. ... I don't push the anger down, I don't deny it, I don't live with the shame. ... I grow.... I challenge, confess the broken parts of me and work toward a restored relationship with others. ... An act of Grace. ... I take a chance. ... I see the fruit. ... Father knows best. ... Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy.

10.05.2005

The Success Struggle

My blog has been up three days and I'm struggling. What's the real motivation behind this? My friends have great blogs and great insighs and I like to share mine as well. On one end, that's the purpose. On the other, is my own self-centered, "look at me, I'm special" thinking. I'm thinking, look at what God is doing in my life. How 'bout them apples? So I struggle with self-promotion and exalting myself. I think of stories where we hear about people marrying other people so they can show off thier spouses. Am I showing off my relationship with God (or lack thereof sometimes) and treating it like a trophy? Is that it wrong? I know the consequences so I confessed to God about this. I haven't really heard anything so maybe I'll get my answer later on.

Success is the sweetest revenge I've heard and that was my motivation for most of my life. I had to be somebody. All the heartache could not be for nothing. The people that hurt me would have to look at me one day and be very sorry. Over the summer and even into September, I could not handle not having a full-time job. All my titles were gone. I have a Master's degree, multiples years in the publishing business and it appeared like I had nothing to show for it. I didn't know if I would still be involved with anything at ATS either. So one day, I hit rock bottom. Nothing motivating me. I was just exisiting. I finally moved on from that but amazingly enough, my desire for fame and affirmation is still there. Nouwen notes in the Genesee Diary how much "ego climbing" (p.25) and "self glory" (p.29) was going on. He confessed that much of his "sadness is often the result of our attachment to the world" (p.31-32). Crystal Lewis, in the song, "Learn to Fly" notes that "I can raise my voice in protest or surrender and let go." It's tough living a new life.
Nouwen notes how all new insights and everything he learned was going to be used for "future lectures or books." All of my insights would be used so that my ministry or career could explode. It's like I slapped a Christianity sticker around my motivation to make it ok. But I should be wanting to bring glory to God. My mentor pointed out that I'm already a sucess since I'm in Christ and He already won the victory. I can particapte; nothing else can be done. I'm a sucess after all. ...

10.03.2005

Come Closer

Over the past three weeks I made a decision. At the all-night prayer vigil at ATS a few weeks ago, I felt God for the first time in a long time. Many of you know that the past year of my life has been the toughest I've ever faced. On top of that, I don't have a full-time job. During a part of the service, the thought came to my mind, "Come Closer." I felt like I should have gone up to the altar. It's not like I hadn't been there before. But I could only go the first pew and sit down. About a week later at a prayer service at my church, it happened again. Of course, I'm like, "God, is this you or me?" I got so close and then stopped. I wondering who's watching me? Will they notice? Why can't I go forward? I think of the Israelites and how God came down on the mountain and they were like, Moses, you go and tell us. We'll just hang out back here. It's been a while since I've heard that and so I wait again. So, another part of the story is that I kept putting things off, like my own growth and healing and since that night. I made a decision, I decided not to worry about my future on work on accountability, character and integrity and hopefully have my fellowship with God restored in the process. Maybe I'm coming closer after all. ...