The Divine Beverage

A few weeks ago I was talking with a couple at our local Christian school's Thanksgiving luncheon. They were there having lunch with their grandchildren and the grandmother told her grandson that I "left everything for Jesus" and moved to California. (paraphrase). At first I didn't think much about it. My current ministry is a great fit and I'll get to do what's been in my heart for while. So God answered the desires of my heart.

But during the past month, I've been feeling like I'm being called to die more. I'm called to be holy as He is holy. I'm challenged to leave more of the spirit of this world behind. Some moments it gets a challenging as my performance-based mentality wants to make sure God is happy with me and then the fear creeps in -- I know I'm not perfect and I have more growth and integrity to live in.

But recently, I'm starting to wonder if the woman's words were prophetic. In another conversation, a friend of mine reminded me of Abraham and in another book I'm reading, how God told him to go. He left what was familiar and God blessed him. He drank the cup the God offered him.

So now my drink is poured. I've been taking sips here and there. Some times even a good swig and maybe a swallow. I get the leaving the familiar. And with Henri Nouwen's "Can You Drink The Cup?" I'm challenged that to add the cup Jesus offers to my daily diet. The cup that continues to provides eternal life, but I also one that leads to more death. My drink is combination of the good and the bad. My sorrows and joys. Add confession and celebration. Everything that makes me the unique person I am today. And what I gift to share with others. A drink to share with you. Communion with each other. Commuion with our God.

When I think of my struggles and my failues, I think of the thief on the cross who asked Jesus to "remember me in paradise." There were disciples who wanted what Jesus had and they lost their lives. This Jesus, my Rabbi, leads me to a place where the "first easy yes had to be followed by many hard yeses until ... [my cup is] completely empty." (Nouwen).

So I've got to drink more. I can't hold my nose to keep the bitter taste to a minimum. That's cheating. That's sin. I know what it's like to try to make the drink tastes better. Thank God for grace. But it slowed down the process. The cup makes me whole. And I wasn't getting better fast enough. Like an bacterial infection, if you don't take care of it correctly, it grows and builds a resistance, making it toughter to eradicate the next time around. The Blood is strong enough however. And that's what I'm still here today.

I'm here to continue to fulfill my God-given destiny. Live out my Christ-abiding identity. And contemplate "this man Jesus. In his presence ... [the disciples] had experienced something radically new, something that went beyond anything they had ever imagined. inner freedom, love, care, hope, and most of all, with God" (Nouwen). I come face to face with a reality that "asks for the most radical trust in God, the same trust that made Jesus drink the cup to the bottom." (Nouwen)

So I'm working on my drink. Some days I drink more than others. The good news is that God walks with me and encourages me as Nouwen writes, "Living a spiritual life is living a life in which the Holy Spirit will guide us and give us the strength and courage to keep saying yes.

And he encourages you to do the same. May we enjoy our drinks together. May we live and die together. Share our cups together. We raise them up, make a toast: "To the Lord Most High, the author and perfecter of our Faith." And "together when we drink that cup as Jesus drank it we are transformed into the one body of the living Christ, always dying and always rising for the salvation of the world" (Nouwen).

Teacher's Pet

As I reading last night, I was reminded about Jesus being my "Rabbi." Then there's "Raboni" which is "my teacher." I couldn't remember where I saw it or if it was an experience, but there's something very intimate in the exchange. I was thinking about how I'm 30 and I still carry my backpack. Now in a new job, should I get a briefcase? And I'm thinking no. I'm still a student of my Rabbi. I loved my time in college and seminary and the experience of learning. Now I love reading the works of others who share their revelation of Scripture and experiences with God. When I'm reading, the Holy Spirit is my teacher and the teacher:student ratio does make a difference!

As I mentored and discipled over the past year, I noticed how I cared for others. I wanted them to reach their potential, find freedom and wholeness, and it was something to see hope in their faces when I shared with them what God had done and taught me. And so how much more could God want to do that with me during my lessons!

So, with that said, this is my tribute to my Rabbi:

"Our Great Savior" [Words by J. Wilbur Chapman, music by Rowland W. Pritchard]

Jesus! what a Friend for sinners!
Jesus! Lover of my soul;
Friends may fail me, foes assail me,
He, my Savior, makes me whole.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! what a Strength in weakness!
Let me hide myself in Him.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes failing,
He, my Strength, my victory wins.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! what a Help in sorrow!
While the billows over me roll,
Even when my heart is breaking,
He, my Comfort, helps my soul.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! what a Guide and Keeper!
While the tempest still is high,
Storms about me, night overtakes me,
He, my Pilot, hears my cry.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

Jesus! I do now receive Him,
More than all in Him I find.
He hath granted me forgiveness,
I am His, and He is mine.

Hallelujah! what a Savior!
Hallelujah! what a Friend!
Saving, helping, keeping, loving,
He is with me to the end.

"Shotgun"

Cedar Point unleashed their 17th roller coaster, "Maverick," this past spring. It's not the biggest ride in the park or the fastest but it's still unique. It features two drops, eight airtime-filled hills, one 400-foot-long tunnel, 10 banked turns, from 62 to 92 degrees, one of the steepest first drops on a roller coaster (95 degrees), first of its kind with what the park calls a "twisted horseshoe roll" and
two 360-degree corkscrew rolls.

My life in Kentucky has been a similar experience. With ups and downs, twists and turns and one-of-a-kind features. I've been thinking back a lot lately. I was just supposed to come here and get a degree ...

And so incline begins. I had big dreams. I desired fame and fortune. The American Dream. I soaked up as much as I could from my UK experience. There were sports and lots of it. Band practices and performances. Laughs and disappointments. Late night meals at Waffle House. Surprises at Denny's. There was homework, and the procrastination to go with it. There were temptations and I didn't do too well with those. But God never gave up on me. Somedays I think, I prayed and I sinned at the same time. Talk about being divided. Nevertheless, I found a church. I hid in the congregation. I heard Truth. I had friends. They kept me sane. They'll never know the impact. It would be a few years later that I realized that God was already redeeming what was lost. Some people may never know that they were saving a life.

And so the ride slowly goes over the initial hill. I graduated and planned to leave Lexington and head off to some major city. It didn't happen. With all the networking, the résumé and the portfolio, I ended up in the Bluegrass. I thought it was only temporary (allegedly). It lasted three years. I met a lot of great people -- more friends for the journey. I settled in church and began to get involved. My shattered identity was still killing me though. Maverick's first drop is 95 degrees, almost straight down. That's where I was headed. I remember coming home one night and said to God,"I can't do this without you."

And as we decline, the ride angle changes, we go down the hill and around a curve. My life began to changes direction. The healing began. Actually though, the seed was planted in college. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't willing to go deep enough. I wasn't ready to be exposed. Amazing how pain brings you to your knees.

And so I had to grow up. The ride flies up the hill. It comes down. Feel the air-time. Feel your weight shift with the banked turns. Smiles slowly show while upside down. I met men who were after God's heart. I saw men laugh, cry, curse and pursue God's face. I wanted the freedom to do those things. I heard the promise that I would hold on to that what God starts, He completes. I met God many times in that group. I was discipled during those years. The pieces were being put together. God introduced me to spiritual brothers and sisters. I wasn't alone after all. I saw people who journeyed into freedom. They pointed me to Jesus as they sat next to me.

The ride flies up the hill. It comes down. Feel the air-time. Feel your weight shift with the banked turns. Smiles slowly show while upside down. So a new hunger arose. I read the Bible. I completed studies. I prayed. I still struggled but there was hope. I saw the vision to "relocate." Remember, I was still heading to the big city -- I had a dream to make money and be comfortable. A year later I was at Asbury Seminary. Seminarians kept coming to our church. There was a connection. I somehow "got" them and felt like they "got" me. Go figure. Three years in Wilmore. Are you serious? Absolutely. I found community. Sometimes just praying with new friends on the sidewalk in the middle of the campus. I found brothers. I found sisters. I found healing; a crown of beauty for ashes. I found potential. I found vulnerability. I found the Word.

The ride enters a tunnel. It slows down. It's dark. There's some flashing lights. My time in the Dark Night/Desert Experience/Wildnerness. The place where I lost attachments. Time for a house cleaning. The temptation to leave ministry for good. Maybe I can just disappear in the darkness. But I'm strapped in the ride. I can't get off. God invited me to "come closer." The confrontation of a friend. God later spoke softly, "I love you too much to let you go." And so we come out of the tunnel. We come into the light. More twists, turns and hills. I confessed that He was God and I was not. He called me son. I took inventory and confessed my wrongs and those done to me. I asked God to remove my defects. I discipled others. I became the one to walk with people as I pointed them to Jesus. I became more intimate with Him. He feels jubilation for me. I learned to seek Him first and I'll get everything.

And so off to the West Coast. It won't be easy. God's been preparing me for this though for years. I can think back to those hills, twists, turns and those moments of being upside-down. It was seven and a half years ago that I confessed I needed God. I can look at how a Promise Keepers convention opened up a hunger for worship. I see how the small groups and one-on-one discipleship changed my life and now I get to help others and raise up leaders. There's contemplation -- inspired by a professor who glowed the peace and acceptance of Jesus, hanging out with the monks at the Abbey -- the simplicity of their voices, the harmony of silence and filled some holes in my soul. I can always get away to just listen. Working at a fitness club taught me to relate to others. It's 12 years of redemption. Experience after experience showed me that God absolutely works all things together for good.

The ride slows down. We're on our way back to the station, there's the whispers of "social justice" and "radical" as we come to a stop. It'll be interesting to see what I'll ride next and the people I'll sit beside. Even the people I'll talk to while I'm in line. But I can rest assure that what God starts, He completes. While the "Maverick" is unique, the name means one who acts independently from a group. While I'm headed for a "radical" new life, I'll ahve a community to wait in line with me and to enjoy the ride together.

The Way of Repentance

Matthew 4:17
"From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."


"Repentance, the refashioning of the heart has begun and the Kingdom of God -- the gratefully carefree life of children -- has come within your grasp at last and you are about to reach out and take possession of it."

— The Way to Love by Anthony De Mello

A few years ago, I asked God for a repentant heart because I was trapped in a sinful habit. Well, the process was way more than I ever imagined. It wasn't just about the bad habit. It was about idoltry, rebellion and false beliefs.

And so I entered the dark hight of the soul/the desert experience -- the process God uses to take away my attachments to worldly things. According to De Mello, attachements are beliefs that we need certain things to be content. I thought I needed lust, comfort, money, the right job, a right title, acceptance from others, power, success, the right friends, the right church and absolute control. The belief that suffering should not come my way because I had had enough of that madness. The thought that there was nothing wrong with keeping secrects. That I'd be ok if no one really knew me. The belief that once I had what I needed, then I would be able to take care of things, including myself. That's what we're taught. That's what we're supposed to do. I thought I needed so many things to be content. Hanging on to these attachments is about self-gratification. But when the pleasure ends. When the high is gone? Then what? Empty again.

Truth be told, I'm already content. I'll fully accepted and love by God through Jesus Christ. It's those attachments that's screwing things up. It's warped thinking patterns at work. So last week, as I began to read De Mello's devotional, I was inspired to pray for a renewal of the mind (Romans 12:2). Within three days, I saw where my beliefs injured a friend and myself. Over the course of years, I allowed a lack of boundaries and dishonesty to breathe life into resentment and anger. The friendship ended. But in the midst of it, God affirmed me and said, "You're still my son." I grieved the loss -- the damage I did to them and the damage I did to myself.

I started "Grace Walk" by Steve McVey this week. It's confirming the hunger I've been having -- to rest at the feet of Jesus instead of doing so much trying and so much striving (even thought I like it -- another attachment). In Genesis, Adam told God, "no thanks" and decided to be self-sufficient. I was doing the same thing. Attachements kept me from enjoying intimacy with my Father. My time in the dark night took away many of the attachements. Those things which allow me to find my worth, get approval, be self-sufficient, etc. The good news though is that I've experienced intimacy with Jesus and other people. As I've been abiding and tasting the sweet communion with Christ, the fruit flows naturally. The repentance came and continues to come.

Now to fully surrender is the next step. And then I can grasp and take hold of the Kingdom.

I want it.

An answered prayer. ... and then some.

Circumcision

"The LORD your God will circumcise your hearts and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love him with all your heart and with all your soul, and live." (Deuteronomy 30:6)

That is my prayer today. May the Holy Spirit change my heart to be able to seek Him first, love Him with my whole heart and soul ... and live.

And live.

Shalom absolutely only comes in Christ Alone.

Rear View

Let's go from a drive.
Let's just go out on the parkway and see where the road takes us.
As we're moving along. We notice the trees, the mountains, the scenery.
We notice that we're not alone on the road. Other cars and trucks pass by. We pass some them. We hear the roar of their engines. We hear the bass pumping from the young folks speeding.

A nice drive with friends and great music is always good for the soul.
While we're out, we want to check our surroundings to make sure all is well.
We want to stay safe.
We want to avoid any accidents or hinderances that will keep us from our destination.
Or we just want to enjoy the ride and not have any unnessessary hassles.
As we're moving along, I'll glance up and check my mirror to see what's behind us. And if we have to change lanes, I'll turn and make sure there's nothing in my blind spot. My friends will help. An extra set of eyes is always good.

And I contemplate. I notice the words on the passanger side mirror. There's a message that reads: "objects in mirror are closer than they appear."

And just like with our past iniquity or our former prisons. Sin is nearer than we think.

Scripture tells us in Genesis 4:7 "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."

So, let me confess. I think about my past. I miss the old sins. They worked. They made me feel good. But they were killing me. For example, I was realizing that I was taking small hits of lust on the Internet. I wasn't going all out and looking at porn but a glimpse of flesh here, a person there, and I'm living on the edge. Not that I was actually looking for it but I was. In the back of my mind, I knew what I was doing but I wasn't plunging all the way.

A guy in a small group reminded me when he was discussing how his life had no boundaries and he did what he wanted. Then he drew closer to Jesus and a fence/boundary was put up. The boundary kept him safe but every once and a while he desired to go to the edge and look out and get a glimpse of the action. If he plays on the edge too much he'll fall back into the oblivion from which he was rescued.

I was doing the same thing. I was standing on a fense post. So when I look back in the mirror. It doesn't look so bad. It doesn't seem like it's that big a deal. But it's a lot closer than I think. And it's a lot larger than I think which also means it can do a lot more damage.

In the Scripture we learn that Cain killed his brother. He didn't submit to God. He didn't respond to the warning. Many times we don't either.

If we just do what's right.
If we just confess that we're hurting.
If we just pray.
If we just commune with God and others.
We don't have to drive alone.
We have support to see the blind spots in our lives.
We have accountability to remind us of the mac truck that's right behind us that looks like a toy but can crush me if I get its way.

Furthermore, I can't stare into the mirrors. I have to know what's in front of me as well or I could hit someone else. Scripture also reminds us in Luke 9:62: "Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

I can't look back. I can't get enticed with memories, fantasizes or even images.

It will kill me.

It could kill my friends.

Nothing just affects me but my community as well.

So, let's slow down and pull over and take a break. Grab some snacks. Use the restroom. We've got a long way to go.

Flex

[The New Series on "Diary of A Saved Man": Pilot Episode]

Working in a gym grants me the privilege to work out for free. One of our members commented on how my body had changed the other day. My look is the product of being in that environment for almost four years now. My attitude toward health is different now. I had been into weight-lifting for years but like most people, I missed days, I didn't push myself as much at times, I thought I could eat what I wanted and then work out and all would be well. But watching my co-workers train has inspired me. In addition, I work in a place where our crowd is much older and seeing those people in their later years still make the effort is unbelievable. Just to witness their health and dedication lets me know that I can have that too once I age. So these days I lift three days a week and do cardiovascular the other four. (I'm still struggling with the cardio though but I'm there.)

Isaiah 40:31: "but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

I'm learning how to flex my faith muscles now. My time in the desert is more intense these days. Financially I'm struggling more than ever before. There are things that absolutely need to be taken care of and soon. So I'm on the bench press of faith. God's adding more weight and He's even spotting me. But man, I don't like it. I look up at Him. It's like ok, on three. "One, two, three ..." I pick it up and slowly drop in on my chest. Man, this is heavy.

Panic.

Breathe.

The sweat of anxiety begins to run down my soul.

Fear and doubt are coming in as my spiritual arms begin to tremble.

Breathe. Don't freak out.

What's going to happen next?

Will I get hurt?

I push.

I break the rules. I try to arch my back. Could cause injury.

It's not working.

I hold my breath.

So I ask for help. ...

His fingers grasps the bar. He pulls some, I push more.

It's working. I'm lifting the weight.

Just thinking to myself: "Jesus, maybe we had taken off about 10 pounds, I could have handled this."

If I could handle it, I wouldn't need a spotter. And truth be told, I don't use a spotter. I don't need one. I never lift too much. I'll keep it safe. I know my limits.

I worked out once with one of the trainers. For a one-hour workout, I was sore for four days.

I see now that I'll go to my limits and stop. If I was willing to go to someone who was further along than me, someone to push me even more, I could get even stronger. I've learned over the past few years to stop isolating and to be accountable and listen. In my distress, I pray, I make a phone call for support. I talk to share my weakness with others. I've found intimacy with God and with others. And the past few months has showed me that it's working. I can lift more weight. But I can't stop when it gets tough. I'll lose the muscle if I give up. If I go back and not push, I may tone up, but there probably won't be an increase in strength. I'll never know my full potential.

And you wont' either if you always desire to stay comfortable with the weight you have.

Man it's really tough being God's display of spendor (Isaiah 61:3).

[Credits]

Jesus Prayer for Me and You

John 17:20-26

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

I read that this morning. I kept hearing something that reminded me of the phrase"that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me." To be in unity with my Father. That's always the goal. But how easily distracted I can become when adversity comes my way. It's been weeks of frustrations, anger, resentments and fear. I can point fingers to spiritual attacks. I know I'm still a major work in progress. I know it's all used to show me the good and the bad. What needs to die so I can truly live. Learning how to be content in everything. Learning that the more I want "things," the more empty they'll make me. The more I want "things" my way, the more empty I'll make me. In the midst of daily walk, I cry out for God to purge out the anger. Save me from the resentment. This stuff will kill me. How do I let go? How do I forgive? How do I really forgive myself? Why do I show favoritism? Is it really that wrong? Wisdom's somewhere in there too right? Jesus, I just want to be connected to the Vine. I need to be centered. I just want communion with Him. It means so much to me. To go up on the mountain like Moses and Aaron and his sons and just eat and drink in His presence (Exodus 24).

So I'm thankful that God pointed me back to that Scripture. And for the first time, I sensed the soft and tender words of Jesus speaking that to me. And to each of you, my fellow disciples, my brothers and sisters, sons and daughters of the Most High.

Be encouraged today as we abide in the Vine. As we work out our salvation with fear and trembling. As we drink the bitter cup of suffering. As we yearn and seek the unity with our Father, with our God. Continue to abide together, never apart.

Go in Jesus' name

In The Game Plan, Joe Dallas examines the life of Peter from the Gospels -- from his calling to follow the Lord, to his zeal, to his nightime nap, to his denial of Christ, to his restoration and his ministry.

I'm thinking that God called me out of the ordinary life to a new way of thinking and Kingdom Community which has touched me life to a major degree. I think of the mentoring/discipling I get to do and desire that these men find God, peace, love and become the men they were meant to be. I think of the poetry and the words. The testimony I have to share. All because God saw more in me than I did and kept coming for me.

I look at my story and how all God wanted was for me to give me up. I can't really love Him without His power. When Scripture tells us that we can do all things through Christ which strenghens us, It's not joking. When Jesus arose, he made it a point to tell the women to go tell his disciples -- and Peter -- that He had risen. He made it a point to tell you. He made it a point to come and tell me.

Then Jesus asks him three times, do you love me? Do you love me perfectly, divinely? Agape. Could Peter do it? Could you do it? Could I do it? Can I give what I have and leave it all on the altar? Can I finally stop running and leave me on the altar?

That's where many of us are. That's where I am. I am forgiven, loved, affirmed and accepted. And you are too. Receive it in Jesus' name.

We each are meant to do something specific. We're meant to be who God calls us to be. It's time to be those people and not who someone says we are or who we'd like to be. We've played the game long enough. We've self-rejected long enough. We've hidden from the light long enough.

And so we go, fellow disciples and soon to be disciples. We are no longer prodigals. We go sons and daugthers of the most high. We go warriors. We go in Jesus' name.

Past and Present/Special Thanks

"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

-- Philippians 2:12-13

I"m 30. And truth be told, I didn't think I'd make it.
When I was younger, I never thought I'd live to this age and honestly I didn't want to.
Here's a sample of why ...

"But more important perhaps, for now, simply imagine a home where the members of a family do not shout at one another or steal one another's possessions or restrict one another's movements or slap one another around into subjection or bully one another into compliance or intimidate one another into domestic slavery ... that would be a Christian home."

-- Sister Joan Chittister, Wisdom Distilled from the Daily



I'm a product of domestic slavery
Controlled, destroyed by words, not able to be me
Power of life and death is in the tongue
I wanted to fight, but was much too young

Humiliation and shame is the price to pay
It can be avoided if you “do and act as I say”
What a difference intimidation or manipulation makes
I started to hide, suck up the hurt, whatever it takes

“You won’t get me; I'll show you; you’ll never win”
I thought those words, as I contemplated revenge
Walls to surround me, will my prayers ever work?
God, please protect me, I’m surrounded my jerks

No matter where I went, either home or at school
Why does it seem that destroying me is the rule?
Is there anyone to accept or respect my view of life?
Enduring this trauma, the degrading cuts like a knife

Years later, I accepted their truth, and all of those names
Using other people to take of myself, those became my chains
I was slowly headed for the grave, does anyone care?
I doubt it, so I guess I’ll live in absolute despair

What’s life like with too much sinful activity?
No dignity, constant anxiety, insecurity, a loss of identity
When I wasn’t high, I was usually lonely and angry
But I just had this feeling that Jesus would save me



And He did. Recently, during a Isa Couvertier concert, I saw the words "repent, believe, healed, become" and just that morning I read in Joe Dallas The Game Plan, "prodigal, child, player, warrior."

Repent/ Prodigal
Believe / Child (son)
Healed / Player (disciple)
Become/ Warrior

And that's my story. I'm working it out with fear and trembling. I'm also reminded ...

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

I'm moving into the warrior mode. The past few years of my life have been preparation. I time to get intimate with the Father and with my Kingdom family. I've had the honor to walk with some great brothers and sisters of the Faith these past few years. I'm thankful that they've supported and loved me. You'll never know the impact you've had on my life. You'll never know that you helped save a life. As one of my brothers say, "thansk for loving me." And also know as Jonathan Larson wrote, "I die without you."

And so this is what I've learned and my tribute to each of you.

Let's go to the Table, I'm invited, you're invited
By the Mystery, the Presence, so we'll be united
To a feast where our cups will overflow
To learn and fellowship, more than we could ever know

So as He cleans us up from the dirt from our sin
Our past as prodigals is gone, He's forgiven where we've been
Now let's release ourselves from mistakes, rebellion and self-hate
He's anxious for our arrival, He can hardly wait

Can this be real? Intimacy, rest, affirmation can't be beat
Only with the Father, Savior and Spirit, that's sweet
No more worries about heartbreak, disappointment and pain
Comfort and joy flowing down like a small mist, a light rain

I'm grateful to share this with you, my brother and my sister
Words cannot express how much you mean to me, not even a whisper
Now let's celebrate, this is the ultimate Family Reunion
We're with the Trinity, redeemed and at home, yes, this is Communion.

Trail of Destruction/Chance for Repentance

"I cannot discover God in myself and myself in Him unless I have the courage to face myself exactly as I am, with all my limitations, and to accept others as they are, with all their limitations."

-- Thomas Merton, No Man Is An Island

I never thought I would be that person. The one that hurt other people. I was always on the other side of the battle. I was the victim. I was one constantly being hurt. But it's true, hurt people hurt people. I too, was a perpetrator. I recently found that out through months of self-evalution. I realized how selfish I was. The damage I had caused friends and family. It's tough to face. But in the midst I've found something ...

2 Corithians 7:10-11a
"Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done."

And I'm thankful for the grace and the mercy to repent, to change, to grow, to love, to grow as a son of the Most High.

Closet/Waterfall

In our houses we all have that closet or that little room
Where unwanted things are covered and hidden like the shell of a butterfly's cocoon
Filled with memories and things in each of our present and past
We don't want to remember, We don't want them to last

But for some strange reason we can't throw them away
Because, just in case, "I'll save them for another day"
But this isn't last year's Christmas gifts or photos from your first day of school
It's the place where sin reigns, where the darkness looms

I have to confess that's where resentment, fear and anger thrive
If you push the wrong button, I'll cut you with my knives
The cause -- life's unfair, the sickness of our fallen natures
I can reflect on the heartbreaks and see, that room, there's torture

Those hypocrites, manipulators, and rivals, just admit, you hate me
That's my preference; it's better than feeling your wrath, greed and envy
But in my reaction I'm not innocent, not even close to that of a saint
This room is filled with s***, the door disguised with a fresh coat of paint

So I decided to open this place up, where few have gone before
It's going to take awhile to clean it up; time, I'm going to need lots more
Here's a package of unforgiveness, here's one of insecurity
My personal ambition, low self-esteem, self-seeking, unhealthy secrecy

What's this I see? Someone's here with love and support
It's amazing what happens when I allow others to come in the fort
A reccuring dream of a river descending with clean water
When myself, the clay, slowly begins to trust more in the Potter

Can't you hear the waves crash and see the water fall
Quite a site to witness, the beauty of it all
Bye-bye guilt and shame, see you later condemnation
I'm anticipating more freedom, more revitalization

I hear, "The Lord is really doing a work in you life"
Comments from friends who understand this journey of strife
He is and I have to be careful to not be hateful
For a see I'm set apart, and for that Jesus, I'm grateful

Unleashing the Light

A hymn to reflect "Lift Him Up"

How to reach the masses, men of every birth,
For an answer, Jesus gave the key:
“And I, if I be lifted up from the earth,
Will draw all men unto Me.”

[Refrain]
Lift Him up, lift Him up;
Still He speaks from eternity:
“And I, if I be lifted up from the earth,
Will draw all men unto Me.”

Oh! the world is hungry for the Living Bread,
Lift the Savior up for them to see;
Trust Him, and do not doubt the words that He said,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

Don’t exalt the preacher, don’t exalt the pew,
Preach the Gospel simple, full, and free;
Prove Him and you will find that promise is true,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

Lift Him up by living as a Christian ought,
Let the world in you the Savior see;
Then men will gladly follow Him Who once taught,
“I’ll draw all men unto Me.”

Written by Johnson Oatman, Jr., the song is based on John 12:32 "But I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all men to myself."


At our recent church leadership retreat at Southern Seminary in Louisville, we got some time to go and be by ourselves to listen to God. During this time, I went into one of the chapels and that hymn was going through my head. Then I looked at the blinds to the windows were all down but light was slowly coming through. Then it was like God said, that's you. With the blinds closed, a little light shines through. But if you pull the string, more light can come through. The blinds block out the light. We all have blinds -- fear, shame, inferiority and the list goes on. Who has control of the string? I need to submit control so the Light can shine through. So when the Light shines through, when the Savior is liften up, then men will be drawn unto Christ.

John 12:36a: "Put your trust in the light while you have it, so that you may become sons of light."

As I hand over the string, may I continue to walk in the Light and walk in the authority and my original design as a son of the Light.

May you do the same.

Unleased in Christ,

CD

Come Closer: The Reprise

It's been almost a year since I heard the words, "come closer" during an all-night prayer vigil at ATS. If not for Christ' death, the Perfect Sacrifice, I would not be allowed to move nearer to God, to enter into that Most Holy Place to have fellowship with the Father. A year of character and intergrity building which lead to humility and death to things that needed to die, I did move closer. I thought sin or a job would fix the void I was carrying in my heart. Only God Himself will ever be enough but I had to be purified and consecrated. I could not clean myself up or perform well enough. I just had to let the High Priest intercede for me and clean me up for communion at the Table.

In the desert I found an intimacy I would otherwise never have known ...

Making Sense of the Wilderness

I'm right where You want me to be.
I believe it Today.
In Jesus' name. Amen.

It hit me this morning. With my current reading materials and going through the Book of Hebrews, I finally got a glimpse and finally accepted that God knows what He's doing. I needed this year off. It hurts and I don't like living like this. But I worshipped other gods. I had faith in other gods. We always have faith and worship something. We're always looking. I realized other the past year that some of my views about God were wrong. I can tell you what the Bible says but what I believed and experienced was different. So, reading Hebrews now is like reinforcing the Truth about Jesus. I see it more relational now. I really see Him as the Son of God, the High Priest, the one worthy of worship. Going to various churches, retreats, doing real work in small groups, doing accountability, having "facetime" with friends has changed everyting.

I know desire to commune with the High Priest; He calls me holy brother.

In the desert I'm finding an intimacy I would never know. ...

The Wilderness Continues for the Priest ...

“From Scripture we see that God seems to have a fondness for dealing with his chosen ones in the physical desert. He shaped a people for Himself on the desert journey from Egypt to Canaan. In the desert people are quickly confronted with basic issues: despair or trust, freedom or slavery, life or death. In the desert, perhaps better than anywhere, God can teach His servants the lesson of total reliance on Him because there is nothing else for them to rely on.”
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"


It's been a long time. I've been out of school for more than a year. I've learned a lot, seen a lot and (hopefully) grown a lot. But in the midst of it all, I'm still suffering in one form or another. The above quote came from one of my last papers for Seminary. I started reading my work from the independent study and amazingly, so much of it even helped today. In November 2004, I prayed for a repentant heart. I had no idea that God would answer it like this. I had no idea about the heartbreak, the constant thoughts of "when will this end?" And lately, my plea for "no more."



“Even in the desert of loneliness God remains our Father, who loves and wishes to prepare us in the desert for an intimacy we cannot imagine”
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"

Really? Well, I have to say yes. Who can see God and live? That's the way it works. In the past month, I've heard the word "priests" many times. One of my friends had an idea that the priest are the ones who can enter the Holy of Holies for intimate communion with God. In the midst of church last week, I felt "communion" was stirring in my soul. That's all I wanted. I forgot about everything. But man, the cost ...


“As we begin to let go of sinful impediments and live in true poverty of spirit, turning always to God as flowers to the sun, we shall soon be transformed into the persons we were meant by God to be”
--Susan Muto, “Dark Night for Today: The Ascent"

My Brothers

My brothers, my friends, it's great to see
How great it is when we walk together in unity
The culture tells us it's ok to be alone
But with no support, we end up in the wrong zone

The way we handled our hurts and our fear
Cover up the pain, we believed, God can't be near
That season ended, we learned the hard way
That sin leads to a life of decay

I'm honored for every chance to listen
To hear your amazing story of God's redemption
Of your falls, sins and failures that may keep you down
Rest assured, you're forgiven,
my friend, now put on your crown

Of beauty, radiance and the light of our Savior
We sit and contemplate His love, wow! It's major
There's a work going on, something we can't explain
Thank you for your prayers as you call on His Name

I pour in your life and you pour into mine
I'll never forget you cared, thanks for your time
My life is so much better, if you only knew
I"ve learned that with no community,
as Jonathan Larson wrote, "I die without you"

Make no mistake, I'm not making you a god
I thank Yahweh that we can have fellowship,
sometimes just talking about our ipods
He's the real reason why we're not dead,
Living in bondage or sick in the head

We'll be preaching and teaching no matter the cost
We all know that even in the church, so many are still lost
They have no idea that the Kingdom's here and now
All they have to do is say, Jesus, "I bow"

We've learned that it's difficult for us to die
To show our real selves, because on the outside,
most of it was a lie
So with my brothers, you challenge me to be a man
Then God promises me, He's there — my Rock —
all other ground is sinking sand

Whether together or apart, let's continue to agree
Always be in touch, I love you, we're family
Dear Jesus, draw Him close, protect, bless my brother
and speak to his heart:
"You're accepted and beloved, my son — a work of art"

Facetime

Just when I had given up
You were waiting for me to submit
I said yes and realized
It was my sin, my hurts, my doubts I must admit

Overwhelmed with envy
Stuck in a pity party
I acknowledge this time of preparation
Continued sanctification

Going deeper with You
Must occur with other sons and daughters
Connecting them them
Connects me with You, my Living Water

I spent a season, holding on to Your feet
Then decided I want to move to Your chest
It will cost my life
To listen to Your heartbeat, that's best

Honesty, love, sacrifice
Abiding with the Vine
Confession, repetentance, accountability
Transformation occurs during facetime

Heartbroken

Can one more thing go wrong?
How much more of this suffering must go on?
No direction, no goals
No idea what to do anymore
Yeah, that's right, my anger's far from gone

I'm sure there's Scripture
Or some advice you can give
You have no idea of the pain, frustration
When all your childhood dreams
Can no longer live

Do they have to die?
I still hope they come true
Bit the bullet, worked hard
Success, titles, adoration
My idols; on the inside, I'm blue

This is not the life I envisioned
But Christian ministry is no joke
I knew better to think that it would be easy
And without the comfort
Some days I wonder, did I choke?

This isn't about me
I hear it, I understand
But when the rubber hits the road
And the truth comes to life
Sometimes I don't like playing in this band

I can never give up
I've tried many times before
Believe it or not
The sinners I hung with
Knew I was destined for more

So today I realize I'm dying
I discover what really make me tick
I confess the darkness in the light
Get rid of the stuff
That's been making me sick

Interviews from DC to the West Coast
It's been "no" after "no"
And what I've learned is that
I don't do well
When I'm not chosen

So you're reading my dairy
Written in my head where it's spoken
Now you know what's it like
When your expectations, aspirations and passions
Don't get met, yes, I'm heartbroken.

Living Behind Closed Doors

If you could really see I've been playing this game
No one can see my heartache and shame
A lifetime of living with lie after lie
So much fight to keep hope alive
I'd given up when I was about 13
Kids and family, everybody's so freaking mean
So in this game of hide and seek
If you dig deep enough, you see, I'm really weak

I did whatever I could to avoid pain
Show no emotion, filter my words, no conflict can reign
You may not believe I'm an angry person
Not able to trust, so my condition worsens
But those feelings do not just go away
They come back with a vengeance and I live with them each day
Counselors, mentors, small groups and friends
I must disclose, share my heart and confess my sins

During the past nine months I had no clue
That moving closer to God, it's my time, I'm due
Change was bound to come, one step at a time
The softening of my heart, the renewing of my mind
The tears may come, you may even see
I'm not as even keel as I appear to be
Chains will break, sight to the blind
Who is this man? He's confident yet kind

Acceptance, love and security, that's what I was searching for
Titles, trophies, worship and sex; I wanted more, more, more
That season has been ending for quite some time
Those were my best friends, they were mine
I grieve as I bury them in a grave
A close walk with Jesus is my reward, if I behave :)
I desire Him in fellowship in my innermost core
Come join me, brothers and sisters, I can't do this
living behind closed doors.