My Daily Bread

Over the past few weeks I've been blessed. In a two-week period, people brought me food -- like 10 bags worth -- and I was taken to lunch multiple times. I got a raise at my part-time job, some cash I didn't expect and an increase in hours. I'm just grateful to God and thank Him for taken care of me during this time.

Chosen: An Intriguing Aftertaste

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

-- Luke 10:38-42

Many of us are familiar with the above passage and have heard many sermons on it. At a service at church about a week ago, we were discussing various topics and I was sharing about my current situation where I have ideas about where I'm headed in ministry and the signs that have been coming my way but not exactly sure what it looks like in reality. One lady told me (and everybody) that the place where we need to be is at the feet of Jesus.

Oh.

After she said that, that small voice came and said, "I've been waiting on you."

So as I planned to go home and pray about it (and it took another day), the story came to me and I reread it.

The only way I'm going to get the answers I'm seeking is at the Lord's feet. The image I picture is me holding on to his calf these days.

I went to the altar during ATS' Wholeness Conference as Andy Comiskey shared his story and then went into a prayer time for freedom from shame. He also blessed us for our uniqueness in our personhoods. After it was over, one of the ministers said the angels were celebrating over me and my life and what was to come. I was encouraged.

I'm encouraged that I'm learning more about my brokenness. The root issues that drive my struggles. I've been brokenhearted. I've been self rejecting myself. Issues of co-dependency have been floating around in my system. I avoid pain. I control. I lust, not just sexually, but with anger, resentment, fantasy. Boundary struggles. I don't like not being "chosen." I don't want you to see me. And I still don't know who that is. ...

But at the feet of Jesus, I'm beloved, He delights in me. I'm blessed. His grace and mercy all around me. I experience it every day and its in abundance.

... and so much more.


For the season of Lent, I'm giving up something that seems a little strange. For those of you who like cranberry juice, more power to you. I'm not a fan, it's one of the worse aftertastes I've ever experienced but it's good for your health. I usually drink CranGrape which is kind of a mix and much more enjoyable. So, as I drink up the cranberry juice, I endure the bitter aftertaste. It may only be brief, but the discomfort is my sacrifice. It reminds me of the bitter cup of suffering of Jesus took for me. His blood cleanes and makes whole. Cranberry juice helps the immune system, fights various bacteria, contains a variety of vitamins and the list goes on.

The aftertaste has my attention and I pray. Praying for my healing and if even for a brief moment, I'm at His feet. I'm changing from the inside out. I'm giving my life to Him. He chooses me everytime.

Identity Crisis: Solution in Progress

Back in January, my mentor challenged me to ask God who He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. So, I started praying about it. I even fasted during a week amazingly, the answers started to come. God confirmed that I was annointed, reverend, bishop and other words pointing toward being set apart for the work of the ministry. The amazing thing is that I was so close to giving up on myself being able to do ministry. I wasn't good enough, had sinned too much and really didn't want to stop.

If you ask me how I see myself, most likely I'm going to tell you about the negative. When it happened, it surprised me too. I thought I was passed it. Talking about myself in a positive manner was tough. In the meantime, I found that I have a problem with co-dependency. I've tried so many things to feel special and loved and affirmed and all along, God wanted to be my Father and help me to grow up in a healthy manner. To accept that He loves me and that I'm special no matter how many times I mess up. He wants to know what I feel, what I think and while I've been doing that in the past few years, He wants true intimacy. My heart opens so much more -- He just wants an amazing relationship with me.

I'm tired of settling for mediocrity. I've been taking particular steps and make myself more known to people around me and while it's been tough, I'm more peaceful than I've ever been.

What's really started to surprise me are the Scriputes are grabbing my attention -- Isaiah 61, Isaiah 6 and Jeremiah 1:7-17. If you check them out, huge tasks. While I approach them with hesitancy, I'm also excited. Here I am on the verge of preaching to the poor, submitting to God to send me and willing to drop the excuses to labor the harvest -- challenging God's people to grow up, get off the milk and press toward the mark of the Christ Jesus. ... And I'm talking about the local church.

And to top it off, I'm starting to believe that my guilt is gone, my sin atoned for.

Know that you can have the same, my brothers and sisters.

Be encouraged.

In Christ,

CD

I'm sorry, God

I'm coming to realize a lot these days. I once had a counselor talk to me about being sorry for the damage I'd done to myself. I "kind of" got it that day. But recently, I'm starting to see more and more of bad decisions I made in my past and how they affect me today. I blamed a lot of people and I blamed God for most of it. How come He didn't do anything? Well, He probably was trying but I was doing things my way. So now I say...

I'm sorry, God.

I'm sorry for not trusting You and for not letting You take care of me. I've got a ways to go but I'll put my best foot forward and I pray that you make me perfect in love, I cast my anxiety on You for you care for me, please renew my mind and create in me a new heart -- that I'm motivated out of love and trust for You.

"It is to the man who loves Him that Jesus reveals Himself even more fully. Obidient, trusting love lends to a fuller and a fuller revelation. ... No evil man can receive the revelation of God. he can be used by God, but he can have no fellowship with God. It is only to the man who is looking for Him that God reveals Himself. ... Fellowship with God, the revelation of God, are dependent on love; and love is dependent on obedience (as cited by Willam Barclay, 'The Gospel of John')."

-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 75-76


To my friends, family, brothers and sisters, I'm sorry that I haven't given you my best. In the new year, I'll do better. Let's press on together.

Much love.

In Christ,

CD

He Does It Well

The heavens are telling
Of God and His glory
A mighty God we serve
They speak of His character
Awesome Creator
A mighty God we serve

Angels bow before Him
Heaven and earth adore Him
No other God above Him
A mighty God we serve

Hail the power and glory of God
Hail the power and glory of God

The earth and skies, glory
The land and seas, God's glory
The flowers and trees, glory
You and me, God's glory

Everything He does
He does it well

He does it well

What a mighty God we serve

-- From "The Heavens Are Telling" by Karen Clark-Sheard

Face To Face

We gravitate toward people that make us feel good.

True relationships are what we seek but really have no idea what we're asking for. I learned recently the reason behind accountability. The truth spoken from the outside. I lie to myself a lot. I can give you just enough of the truth to make you think what I want you to. I came face to face with myself over the weekend. A friend called me out on my self-centeredness and my bad habits. He threw out some recommendations for help. It took a couple of days to sink in. While I may still disagree in some areas, the bottom line is that sin is sin. I love helping people out of their mess. Why don't I want the same for mysef? I do at times. But then this cross-bearing gets hard and I don't want to anymore. "Living the life" throughout the week is tough. Especially when you've been doing it your way most of your life ... like me.

The hard truth, it's not about me. It never has been. It's about God and what He wants.

It's not about you. It's about God and what He wants.

"Anything crooked in the life must be straightened, any stumbling blocks removed. Low levels of spiritual living must be raised, and rough character polished. Areas of neglect must be remedied, and relationships adjusted. This is something for which we alone are responsible, but the Holy Spirit will cooperate with us to this end."

-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 29

My Prayer

Lord,

Thank You being faithful when I'm unfaithful.

Thank You for grace and mercy when I take it them for granted.

Thank You for loving me so much to never let me go.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

Today

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare

-- "Will I" from "Rent"

This song was featured in the movie I saw last week with a friend. [Just a quick note, the subjects and themes are not easy and very liberal.] The song "Will I" is from a scene showing an AIDS support group and how they are living with the disease. After the movie, we were talking about how even "secular" people understand community. The lyrics jumped out at me because I'm in a place where I need to reveal more of me in order to keep pressing forward in Christ. I fear rejection and humilation most of all. I may lose everything. My life right now is far from stable and full of anxiety. I struggle. My first blog post says to come closer. I'm running away again. Living in torment and being alone is what I know.

There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

-- From "Finale B" in "Rent"

I doubt they were talking about God. But for me and for you who need this, we must give in to His love or continue to live in fear. Let's start today.

Grief/Unguarded

The past couple of weeks have had a lot of ups and downs. In three days, I was blessed with a temporary full-time job and had another interview for a single adult pastor/small groups position (across the country) in which I found out I was one of two finalists. The interview was great and the connection I had with the interviewer, their ministry, etc. had me excited, overwhelmed, but it seemed that this could be it. I found out four days later, I didn't get the job and it seems like they're going to start the search process all over. And it hurt.

I kept telling myself that there was a chance that this job could not happen and that was ok. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast. But I think it would have hurt either way. To top it off, with some of my friends, I was apart of leading worship in chapel a few hours later, I was fine through part of it, but by the end of the service, I was ready to get off the stage and go back and hide. I couldn't enjoy the time. People were really worshipping and I was wondering if I was off key or if the desire just wasn't there that day.

I had my bouts with anger and shock. Then more anger. I have a feeling of the road ahead. The one that is straight and narrow. The one I don't want. Being a "martyr" so to speak. Not what you think but for me to truly share myself and face possble rejection and then have to face it again and again, is a cross I don't want to bear. There's more, but that's all I'm going to tell. The church is out west is a more open culture. The interviewer shared so much with me in just an hour and a half and it was cool. Feeling connected. Thinking I could be a part of that got me excited. But let's face it, I'm really guarded, my trust is still being repaired. Could I just change with a change in venue? Maybe, maybe not.

Then there's the fear that my job could be over in January for good. There's current financial struggles. Money is on the way. Just not where I want it to be. Then my car needs work and I can't take care of that until the money issue is settled. I want to go home in a few days and wondering if I'll be able to. I have to move by the end of December for the forth time since May. I want stability. I want some consistency. I've had conflict with people over this past year. Seems like more than normal. I have a lot of anger on the inside. I want control. I want someone to be consistent. I'm not though. I'm so busy trying to invest in others' lives. It seems like most of my life people get so angry at me when I don't fit their expectations. I either fit in or rebel on purpose. My mentor called me out on that. I realize that others' expectations of me still affects me. I thought I had it all taken care of. It scares me that I'm going to have to really figure out what to do about that in the next month or so. I may have to be uncomfortable a lot. Hanging out with people who make me comfortable may have to go. Or maybe it won't happen. I have no clue.

Back to the story...
So the next day I went to chapel. I didn't expect much. They showed a video about mission trips to the Gulf Coast. One story featured was a pastor who put a sign out on the road next to his church that read, "Open for prayer." He then told the story of a truck driver who stopped by, gave him a notebook and then asked him not to read it until he drove away. The pastor asked his name and he told him. So the pastor read it and it was full of this man's confessions, shortcomings, etc. and at the end, it read, "God have mercy." The pastor then put up a sign that read, "[insert name here] God heard you."

I teared up pretty quickly. I wondered, do I feel for the truck driver, or is it for me? We sung "Let the River Flow" afterward. I've never been a fan of that song but the first line says, "Let the poor man say I am rich in Him." I couldn't get anything out for the entire song. Was I just grieving? Or maybe God got through to my heart. For those few minutes, I was unguarded.

Over the next couple of days, I thought back to days of growing up heartbroken after praying for a good day at school and it didn't happen a majority of the time. Or the past year of my life when I prayed, cried out, searched for answers and I was the problem. Then I think of the night I heard, "Come Closer." I admit that maybe I don't think God listens. Maybe I don't think I'm forgiven for all the wrongs I've done. So much theology and Scripture to take into account. My head knows it. But maybe my heart is starting to accept it.

I was unguarded.

I Don't Wanna Die, Part II -- Dehydration

An excerpt from Sacred Romance:"We can either deaden our heart or divide our life into two parts, where our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of our needs, the place where we quench the thirt of our heart with whatever water is available. I chosethe second route, living what I thought I thought of as my religious life with increasing dryness and cynicism while I found "water" where I could: in sexual fantasies, alchohol, the next dinner out, late-night violence videos, gaining more knowledge through religious seminars -- whatever would slake th thirsty restlessness inside. Whichever path we choose -- heart deadness or heart and head sepatation -- the Arrows win and we lose heart" (Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, p. 31).

The past few weeks I've had moments of loneliness. That's new. I do have solid relationships. Iv'e been blessed with friends from ATS and across the country. We all know we're works in progress. Most of us finally get to a place where we truly walk with each other. But oustide of that, I have to acknowledge I'm hesitant to trust people. Once again, my past affected my present. So, here we go again -- confession, forgiveness. Now I have to change. My "theater" is about to close down.

I'm thirsty. I believe God is doing a major work -- I'm feeling the needs of my heart but like Brent Curtis, I looked for other types of water. I'm having a hard time letting go of the old water even though it just leaves me more thirsty.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:9)

Living Water, quinch my thirst.

"I Don't Wanna Die," Part I

An excerpt from Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: “A fellow pastor … described a church service after which he decided to act on his discernment that two members in attendance were gay. He called them into his office, and they both admitted their homosexuality and their status as lovers. The pastor kindly but firmly told them that each needed to repent of his sin and break off his relationship with the other. The one man replied: “You’re not asking me to stop smoking or change my hair color. You’re asking me to lay down everything I know to be true and tangible and submit myself to Jesus and his church where I hardly know anybody, really. You’re asking me to die.” Alive to the spiritual metaphor of death unto new life, the pastor’s eyes twinkled, and he replied almost merrily, “That’s exactly what I’m asking you to do” (Andy Comiskey, p. 78-79).

I was recently in a conversation with a friend who was looking to get away and do some homework in peace and quiet for a weekend. This person was going through a time when he or she was challenged to die to self. I suggested to this individual to go to the Abbey of Gethsemani (monestary) and he or she replied, "It's too close to Jesus."

Now, some of you may freak out about that comment. But let's face it, when He's there with your cross, do you smile and take it or do you run away?

We're all being asked to die. Last fall, I prayed in one of my weaker moments and asked God for a repentant heart. It wasn't the first time I've prayed this. And so a process began. From November until early September, I went through the darkest period of my life. We're talking health issues which contributed to multiple doctor visits. Once school was over, job prospects fell through one after the other. I've moved three times since May. But I had to be honest. Bad habits, thinking patterns, pride, fear and just sin had to stop. I had rationalized long enough. I had kept secrets long enough. My faith had to mature. It was time to grow up. I'm slowly coming out of this dark time and still learning and growing.

I write this to encourage those who are going through their dark night of the soul or the desert experience. You CANNOT walk through this alone. I tried and fell flat on my face. The last thing I wanted to do was tell people EVERYTHING that was going on. What would they think? I would get humilated. ... Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit my shortcomings. .. Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit that behind the tough exterior, there's a scared little boy afraid of failure. ... Pride. Shame.

Grace. Mercy. The grace to change and grow. The mercy to save me from destroying myself. There's a community -- a family of Believers, a Royal Priesthood -- who can walk with you through this. Thanks to those who walked and prayed for me through this. That was one lesson I had to learn.

And for those who read this. There's hope for you too. God never gave up on me. He'll never give up on you. ... Never.

Residue

I've been tweaked a lot lately. I was upset over the past couple of weeks as I felt manipulated by a friend of mine. It's not the first time it's happened. Actually, it's been happening a lot over the past year. Not just with this person, but with others as well. It's been common most of my life. I was once in a relationship when it was like who can outwit, outplay, and outmanipulate the other. My boundaries weren't respected. Do I attract these people or is it just sinful human nature?

But the point is how I reacted. I went ahead and helped this person out, but underneath I was angry. There were nights I could hardly sleep. I had headaches, my appetite was here and there, etc. On top of that, through this time of growth and consecration is motivating me to stop feeding my flesh so I'm basically in withdrawal. I wanted to forgot about my calling and everything and run away into sin. What? My reaction was getting out of control.

Most likely, there's something in my past that's so hurtful that when I feel disrespected or ignored or let's face it, not important, I ready to end the relationship and move on. I don't want to work it out, I don't want to hear it, I'm tired of being in this position. In addition, I start feeling trapped. I grew up in a small town, endured a lot of heartbreak, saw a lot of unhealthy relationships and basically vowed that that cannot happen to me. If I get trapped, my life is over. And I'm just starting to learn how to live. ...

Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy

Growth and healing ... Following God ... Wanting to be made whole ... Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy ... I've been hurt and had to work at setting boundaries, confessing my pain and reconciling relationships ... heartache, fear, risk ... It's been a long time since I've work at that. ... Pain from my past, the broken parts of me getting touched. ... I don't want to sin against anyone or myself. ... I don't want to be an agent of destruction. ... So, I think, I pray, I seek Godly wisdom for my choices. I'm challenged. ... I break the cycle. ... An act of Grace. ... I don't push the anger down, I don't deny it, I don't live with the shame. ... I grow.... I challenge, confess the broken parts of me and work toward a restored relationship with others. ... An act of Grace. ... I take a chance. ... I see the fruit. ... Father knows best. ... Vulnerability, Obedience, Intimacy.

The Success Struggle

My blog has been up three days and I'm struggling. What's the real motivation behind this? My friends have great blogs and great insighs and I like to share mine as well. On one end, that's the purpose. On the other, is my own self-centered, "look at me, I'm special" thinking. I'm thinking, look at what God is doing in my life. How 'bout them apples? So I struggle with self-promotion and exalting myself. I think of stories where we hear about people marrying other people so they can show off thier spouses. Am I showing off my relationship with God (or lack thereof sometimes) and treating it like a trophy? Is that it wrong? I know the consequences so I confessed to God about this. I haven't really heard anything so maybe I'll get my answer later on.

Success is the sweetest revenge I've heard and that was my motivation for most of my life. I had to be somebody. All the heartache could not be for nothing. The people that hurt me would have to look at me one day and be very sorry. Over the summer and even into September, I could not handle not having a full-time job. All my titles were gone. I have a Master's degree, multiples years in the publishing business and it appeared like I had nothing to show for it. I didn't know if I would still be involved with anything at ATS either. So one day, I hit rock bottom. Nothing motivating me. I was just exisiting. I finally moved on from that but amazingly enough, my desire for fame and affirmation is still there. Nouwen notes in the Genesee Diary how much "ego climbing" (p.25) and "self glory" (p.29) was going on. He confessed that much of his "sadness is often the result of our attachment to the world" (p.31-32). Crystal Lewis, in the song, "Learn to Fly" notes that "I can raise my voice in protest or surrender and let go." It's tough living a new life.
Nouwen notes how all new insights and everything he learned was going to be used for "future lectures or books." All of my insights would be used so that my ministry or career could explode. It's like I slapped a Christianity sticker around my motivation to make it ok. But I should be wanting to bring glory to God. My mentor pointed out that I'm already a sucess since I'm in Christ and He already won the victory. I can particapte; nothing else can be done. I'm a sucess after all. ...

Come Closer

Over the past three weeks I made a decision. At the all-night prayer vigil at ATS a few weeks ago, I felt God for the first time in a long time. Many of you know that the past year of my life has been the toughest I've ever faced. On top of that, I don't have a full-time job. During a part of the service, the thought came to my mind, "Come Closer." I felt like I should have gone up to the altar. It's not like I hadn't been there before. But I could only go the first pew and sit down. About a week later at a prayer service at my church, it happened again. Of course, I'm like, "God, is this you or me?" I got so close and then stopped. I wondering who's watching me? Will they notice? Why can't I go forward? I think of the Israelites and how God came down on the mountain and they were like, Moses, you go and tell us. We'll just hang out back here. It's been a while since I've heard that and so I wait again. So, another part of the story is that I kept putting things off, like my own growth and healing and since that night. I made a decision, I decided not to worry about my future on work on accountability, character and integrity and hopefully have my fellowship with God restored in the process. Maybe I'm coming closer after all. ...