It's been almost a year since I heard the words, "come closer" during an all-night prayer vigil at ATS. If not for Christ' death, the Perfect Sacrifice, I would not be allowed to move nearer to God, to enter into that Most Holy Place to have fellowship with the Father. A year of character and intergrity building which lead to humility and death to things that needed to die, I did move closer. I thought sin or a job would fix the void I was carrying in my heart. Only God Himself will ever be enough but I had to be purified and consecrated. I could not clean myself up or perform well enough. I just had to let the High Priest intercede for me and clean me up for communion at the Table.
In the desert I found an intimacy I would otherwise never have known ...
9.05.2006
8.31.2006
Making Sense of the Wilderness
I'm right where You want me to be.
I believe it Today.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
It hit me this morning. With my current reading materials and going through the Book of Hebrews, I finally got a glimpse and finally accepted that God knows what He's doing. I needed this year off. It hurts and I don't like living like this. But I worshipped other gods. I had faith in other gods. We always have faith and worship something. We're always looking. I realized other the past year that some of my views about God were wrong. I can tell you what the Bible says but what I believed and experienced was different. So, reading Hebrews now is like reinforcing the Truth about Jesus. I see it more relational now. I really see Him as the Son of God, the High Priest, the one worthy of worship. Going to various churches, retreats, doing real work in small groups, doing accountability, having "facetime" with friends has changed everyting.
I know desire to commune with the High Priest; He calls me holy brother.
In the desert I'm finding an intimacy I would never know. ...
I believe it Today.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
It hit me this morning. With my current reading materials and going through the Book of Hebrews, I finally got a glimpse and finally accepted that God knows what He's doing. I needed this year off. It hurts and I don't like living like this. But I worshipped other gods. I had faith in other gods. We always have faith and worship something. We're always looking. I realized other the past year that some of my views about God were wrong. I can tell you what the Bible says but what I believed and experienced was different. So, reading Hebrews now is like reinforcing the Truth about Jesus. I see it more relational now. I really see Him as the Son of God, the High Priest, the one worthy of worship. Going to various churches, retreats, doing real work in small groups, doing accountability, having "facetime" with friends has changed everyting.
I know desire to commune with the High Priest; He calls me holy brother.
In the desert I'm finding an intimacy I would never know. ...
7.31.2006
The Wilderness Continues for the Priest ...
“From Scripture we see that God seems to have a fondness for dealing with his chosen ones in the physical desert. He shaped a people for Himself on the desert journey from Egypt to Canaan. In the desert people are quickly confronted with basic issues: despair or trust, freedom or slavery, life or death. In the desert, perhaps better than anywhere, God can teach His servants the lesson of total reliance on Him because there is nothing else for them to rely on.”
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"
It's been a long time. I've been out of school for more than a year. I've learned a lot, seen a lot and (hopefully) grown a lot. But in the midst of it all, I'm still suffering in one form or another. The above quote came from one of my last papers for Seminary. I started reading my work from the independent study and amazingly, so much of it even helped today. In November 2004, I prayed for a repentant heart. I had no idea that God would answer it like this. I had no idea about the heartbreak, the constant thoughts of "when will this end?" And lately, my plea for "no more."
“Even in the desert of loneliness God remains our Father, who loves and wishes to prepare us in the desert for an intimacy we cannot imagine”
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"
Really? Well, I have to say yes. Who can see God and live? That's the way it works. In the past month, I've heard the word "priests" many times. One of my friends had an idea that the priest are the ones who can enter the Holy of Holies for intimate communion with God. In the midst of church last week, I felt "communion" was stirring in my soul. That's all I wanted. I forgot about everything. But man, the cost ...
“As we begin to let go of sinful impediments and live in true poverty of spirit, turning always to God as flowers to the sun, we shall soon be transformed into the persons we were meant by God to be”
--Susan Muto, “Dark Night for Today: The Ascent"
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"
It's been a long time. I've been out of school for more than a year. I've learned a lot, seen a lot and (hopefully) grown a lot. But in the midst of it all, I'm still suffering in one form or another. The above quote came from one of my last papers for Seminary. I started reading my work from the independent study and amazingly, so much of it even helped today. In November 2004, I prayed for a repentant heart. I had no idea that God would answer it like this. I had no idea about the heartbreak, the constant thoughts of "when will this end?" And lately, my plea for "no more."
“Even in the desert of loneliness God remains our Father, who loves and wishes to prepare us in the desert for an intimacy we cannot imagine”
-- Charles Cummings, "Spirituality and the Desert Experience"
Really? Well, I have to say yes. Who can see God and live? That's the way it works. In the past month, I've heard the word "priests" many times. One of my friends had an idea that the priest are the ones who can enter the Holy of Holies for intimate communion with God. In the midst of church last week, I felt "communion" was stirring in my soul. That's all I wanted. I forgot about everything. But man, the cost ...
“As we begin to let go of sinful impediments and live in true poverty of spirit, turning always to God as flowers to the sun, we shall soon be transformed into the persons we were meant by God to be”
--Susan Muto, “Dark Night for Today: The Ascent"
6.12.2006
My Brothers
My brothers, my friends, it's great to see
How great it is when we walk together in unity
The culture tells us it's ok to be alone
But with no support, we end up in the wrong zone
The way we handled our hurts and our fear
Cover up the pain, we believed, God can't be near
That season ended, we learned the hard way
That sin leads to a life of decay
I'm honored for every chance to listen
To hear your amazing story of God's redemption
Of your falls, sins and failures that may keep you down
Rest assured, you're forgiven,
my friend, now put on your crown
Of beauty, radiance and the light of our Savior
We sit and contemplate His love, wow! It's major
There's a work going on, something we can't explain
Thank you for your prayers as you call on His Name
I pour in your life and you pour into mine
I'll never forget you cared, thanks for your time
My life is so much better, if you only knew
I"ve learned that with no community,
as Jonathan Larson wrote, "I die without you"
Make no mistake, I'm not making you a god
I thank Yahweh that we can have fellowship,
sometimes just talking about our ipods
He's the real reason why we're not dead,
Living in bondage or sick in the head
We'll be preaching and teaching no matter the cost
We all know that even in the church, so many are still lost
They have no idea that the Kingdom's here and now
All they have to do is say, Jesus, "I bow"
We've learned that it's difficult for us to die
To show our real selves, because on the outside,
most of it was a lie
So with my brothers, you challenge me to be a man
Then God promises me, He's there — my Rock —
all other ground is sinking sand
Whether together or apart, let's continue to agree
Always be in touch, I love you, we're family
Dear Jesus, draw Him close, protect, bless my brother
and speak to his heart:
"You're accepted and beloved, my son — a work of art"
How great it is when we walk together in unity
The culture tells us it's ok to be alone
But with no support, we end up in the wrong zone
The way we handled our hurts and our fear
Cover up the pain, we believed, God can't be near
That season ended, we learned the hard way
That sin leads to a life of decay
I'm honored for every chance to listen
To hear your amazing story of God's redemption
Of your falls, sins and failures that may keep you down
Rest assured, you're forgiven,
my friend, now put on your crown
Of beauty, radiance and the light of our Savior
We sit and contemplate His love, wow! It's major
There's a work going on, something we can't explain
Thank you for your prayers as you call on His Name
I pour in your life and you pour into mine
I'll never forget you cared, thanks for your time
My life is so much better, if you only knew
I"ve learned that with no community,
as Jonathan Larson wrote, "I die without you"
Make no mistake, I'm not making you a god
I thank Yahweh that we can have fellowship,
sometimes just talking about our ipods
He's the real reason why we're not dead,
Living in bondage or sick in the head
We'll be preaching and teaching no matter the cost
We all know that even in the church, so many are still lost
They have no idea that the Kingdom's here and now
All they have to do is say, Jesus, "I bow"
We've learned that it's difficult for us to die
To show our real selves, because on the outside,
most of it was a lie
So with my brothers, you challenge me to be a man
Then God promises me, He's there — my Rock —
all other ground is sinking sand
Whether together or apart, let's continue to agree
Always be in touch, I love you, we're family
Dear Jesus, draw Him close, protect, bless my brother
and speak to his heart:
"You're accepted and beloved, my son — a work of art"
5.31.2006
Facetime
Just when I had given up
You were waiting for me to submit
I said yes and realized
It was my sin, my hurts, my doubts I must admit
Overwhelmed with envy
Stuck in a pity party
I acknowledge this time of preparation
Continued sanctification
Going deeper with You
Must occur with other sons and daughters
Connecting them them
Connects me with You, my Living Water
I spent a season, holding on to Your feet
Then decided I want to move to Your chest
It will cost my life
To listen to Your heartbeat, that's best
Honesty, love, sacrifice
Abiding with the Vine
Confession, repetentance, accountability
Transformation occurs during facetime
You were waiting for me to submit
I said yes and realized
It was my sin, my hurts, my doubts I must admit
Overwhelmed with envy
Stuck in a pity party
I acknowledge this time of preparation
Continued sanctification
Going deeper with You
Must occur with other sons and daughters
Connecting them them
Connects me with You, my Living Water
I spent a season, holding on to Your feet
Then decided I want to move to Your chest
It will cost my life
To listen to Your heartbeat, that's best
Honesty, love, sacrifice
Abiding with the Vine
Confession, repetentance, accountability
Transformation occurs during facetime
5.25.2006
Heartbroken
Can one more thing go wrong?
How much more of this suffering must go on?
No direction, no goals
No idea what to do anymore
Yeah, that's right, my anger's far from gone
I'm sure there's Scripture
Or some advice you can give
You have no idea of the pain, frustration
When all your childhood dreams
Can no longer live
Do they have to die?
I still hope they come true
Bit the bullet, worked hard
Success, titles, adoration
My idols; on the inside, I'm blue
This is not the life I envisioned
But Christian ministry is no joke
I knew better to think that it would be easy
And without the comfort
Some days I wonder, did I choke?
This isn't about me
I hear it, I understand
But when the rubber hits the road
And the truth comes to life
Sometimes I don't like playing in this band
I can never give up
I've tried many times before
Believe it or not
The sinners I hung with
Knew I was destined for more
So today I realize I'm dying
I discover what really make me tick
I confess the darkness in the light
Get rid of the stuff
That's been making me sick
Interviews from DC to the West Coast
It's been "no" after "no"
And what I've learned is that
I don't do well
When I'm not chosen
So you're reading my dairy
Written in my head where it's spoken
Now you know what's it like
When your expectations, aspirations and passions
Don't get met, yes, I'm heartbroken.
How much more of this suffering must go on?
No direction, no goals
No idea what to do anymore
Yeah, that's right, my anger's far from gone
I'm sure there's Scripture
Or some advice you can give
You have no idea of the pain, frustration
When all your childhood dreams
Can no longer live
Do they have to die?
I still hope they come true
Bit the bullet, worked hard
Success, titles, adoration
My idols; on the inside, I'm blue
This is not the life I envisioned
But Christian ministry is no joke
I knew better to think that it would be easy
And without the comfort
Some days I wonder, did I choke?
This isn't about me
I hear it, I understand
But when the rubber hits the road
And the truth comes to life
Sometimes I don't like playing in this band
I can never give up
I've tried many times before
Believe it or not
The sinners I hung with
Knew I was destined for more
So today I realize I'm dying
I discover what really make me tick
I confess the darkness in the light
Get rid of the stuff
That's been making me sick
Interviews from DC to the West Coast
It's been "no" after "no"
And what I've learned is that
I don't do well
When I'm not chosen
So you're reading my dairy
Written in my head where it's spoken
Now you know what's it like
When your expectations, aspirations and passions
Don't get met, yes, I'm heartbroken.
5.17.2006
Living Behind Closed Doors
If you could really see I've been playing this game
No one can see my heartache and shame
A lifetime of living with lie after lie
So much fight to keep hope alive
I'd given up when I was about 13
Kids and family, everybody's so freaking mean
So in this game of hide and seek
If you dig deep enough, you see, I'm really weak
I did whatever I could to avoid pain
Show no emotion, filter my words, no conflict can reign
You may not believe I'm an angry person
Not able to trust, so my condition worsens
But those feelings do not just go away
They come back with a vengeance and I live with them each day
Counselors, mentors, small groups and friends
I must disclose, share my heart and confess my sins
During the past nine months I had no clue
That moving closer to God, it's my time, I'm due
Change was bound to come, one step at a time
The softening of my heart, the renewing of my mind
The tears may come, you may even see
I'm not as even keel as I appear to be
Chains will break, sight to the blind
Who is this man? He's confident yet kind
Acceptance, love and security, that's what I was searching for
Titles, trophies, worship and sex; I wanted more, more, more
That season has been ending for quite some time
Those were my best friends, they were mine
I grieve as I bury them in a grave
A close walk with Jesus is my reward, if I behave :)
I desire Him in fellowship in my innermost core
Come join me, brothers and sisters, I can't do this
living behind closed doors.
No one can see my heartache and shame
A lifetime of living with lie after lie
So much fight to keep hope alive
I'd given up when I was about 13
Kids and family, everybody's so freaking mean
So in this game of hide and seek
If you dig deep enough, you see, I'm really weak
I did whatever I could to avoid pain
Show no emotion, filter my words, no conflict can reign
You may not believe I'm an angry person
Not able to trust, so my condition worsens
But those feelings do not just go away
They come back with a vengeance and I live with them each day
Counselors, mentors, small groups and friends
I must disclose, share my heart and confess my sins
During the past nine months I had no clue
That moving closer to God, it's my time, I'm due
Change was bound to come, one step at a time
The softening of my heart, the renewing of my mind
The tears may come, you may even see
I'm not as even keel as I appear to be
Chains will break, sight to the blind
Who is this man? He's confident yet kind
Acceptance, love and security, that's what I was searching for
Titles, trophies, worship and sex; I wanted more, more, more
That season has been ending for quite some time
Those were my best friends, they were mine
I grieve as I bury them in a grave
A close walk with Jesus is my reward, if I behave :)
I desire Him in fellowship in my innermost core
Come join me, brothers and sisters, I can't do this
living behind closed doors.
4.10.2006
From my heart to Yours
Matthew 27:50-51
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.
I've questioned my salvation for a long time. Despite all of the amazing things God has done for me. All of the healing and transformation, etc. I was alwasy wondering. I still struggle with so much and Christians can't possibly feel like this? Over the past few weeks, I discovered where it was coming from. Our parents influence our view of God and whether or not we notice it or even want to admit it, we can't get around it. When I was confronted with this (even though I had heard it taught), it opened my eyes that I the God I knew about was different from the one I felt about. After confessing it, amazingly, I sensed a release.
Rip...
I've had to really work at making emotional connections with people. It's easy to sit one-on-one and talk and confess everything ... and then be somewhere else or hold the emotions aside. But in reality, no intimate connection is made and I'm left empty. So I made a decision to go into situations that I will share and will make an effort to let you know what's really going on. In the midst of this, I feel connected not only to the other person, but also to God. It's great walking with Him. True Christian community does work. Another release.
Tear...
I'm reading Max Lucado's He Chose the Nails. It takes readers through Jesus' death on the cross and his ordeal. One chapter just focused on Jesus' getting spit on by the soilders and how He took it to the cross. The spit showed how ugly humans can be. He took on the ugliness so we can be beautiful like Him. But in reading that, I remember praying to God when I was younger and getting picked on and humilated at school and at home and how much I just wanted a good day. When it didn't happen, my faith, my hope left and I was wounded. But in reading it and other parts of the book, I felt a connection with Jesus. For once, I understood. He understood me. ... Release.
Split...
When Lucado examines the tearing of Jesus' flesh due to the nails, the beatings, bearing the weight of the cross, and the crown of thorns, he notes the veil in the temple was torn in two and how that allows us to enter into the presence of God. Jesus' opened the door. Max then notes how the thing that keeps us back is our failures and shortcomings.
Behind the veil around my heart, I carried the shame of all of my sins, failures and mistakes. I wanted to hide the darkness of revenge, resentfulness and bitterness in my heart. I didn't want you to know about the fear I that I carry. I knew to ask for forgiveness. But did I hang around to accept it. Now I know in my heart, that His blood washed away my sins. "My sin, not in part, but the whole/Is nailed to His cross and I bear it no more" ("It Is Well With My Soul"). Salvation is given and we accept. We do have to continue to work it out. It's two parts. I've known that but now the curtain that surrounded my heart is tearing from top to bottom. I'm beginning to know God and He knows me. I'm accepted. I'm a man of God. I'm after His heart. It's not for stuff anymore. It's not for a job anymore. It's not to be defined by position, title or acceptance for being good a lot of things. It's just for communion with Him. I pray for God to know me. I want to know Him.
God, from my heart to Yours.
CD
Hebrews 10:19-20
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body.
And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit. At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.
I've questioned my salvation for a long time. Despite all of the amazing things God has done for me. All of the healing and transformation, etc. I was alwasy wondering. I still struggle with so much and Christians can't possibly feel like this? Over the past few weeks, I discovered where it was coming from. Our parents influence our view of God and whether or not we notice it or even want to admit it, we can't get around it. When I was confronted with this (even though I had heard it taught), it opened my eyes that I the God I knew about was different from the one I felt about. After confessing it, amazingly, I sensed a release.
Rip...
I've had to really work at making emotional connections with people. It's easy to sit one-on-one and talk and confess everything ... and then be somewhere else or hold the emotions aside. But in reality, no intimate connection is made and I'm left empty. So I made a decision to go into situations that I will share and will make an effort to let you know what's really going on. In the midst of this, I feel connected not only to the other person, but also to God. It's great walking with Him. True Christian community does work. Another release.
Tear...
I'm reading Max Lucado's He Chose the Nails. It takes readers through Jesus' death on the cross and his ordeal. One chapter just focused on Jesus' getting spit on by the soilders and how He took it to the cross. The spit showed how ugly humans can be. He took on the ugliness so we can be beautiful like Him. But in reading that, I remember praying to God when I was younger and getting picked on and humilated at school and at home and how much I just wanted a good day. When it didn't happen, my faith, my hope left and I was wounded. But in reading it and other parts of the book, I felt a connection with Jesus. For once, I understood. He understood me. ... Release.
Split...
When Lucado examines the tearing of Jesus' flesh due to the nails, the beatings, bearing the weight of the cross, and the crown of thorns, he notes the veil in the temple was torn in two and how that allows us to enter into the presence of God. Jesus' opened the door. Max then notes how the thing that keeps us back is our failures and shortcomings.
Behind the veil around my heart, I carried the shame of all of my sins, failures and mistakes. I wanted to hide the darkness of revenge, resentfulness and bitterness in my heart. I didn't want you to know about the fear I that I carry. I knew to ask for forgiveness. But did I hang around to accept it. Now I know in my heart, that His blood washed away my sins. "My sin, not in part, but the whole/Is nailed to His cross and I bear it no more" ("It Is Well With My Soul"). Salvation is given and we accept. We do have to continue to work it out. It's two parts. I've known that but now the curtain that surrounded my heart is tearing from top to bottom. I'm beginning to know God and He knows me. I'm accepted. I'm a man of God. I'm after His heart. It's not for stuff anymore. It's not for a job anymore. It's not to be defined by position, title or acceptance for being good a lot of things. It's just for communion with Him. I pray for God to know me. I want to know Him.
God, from my heart to Yours.
CD
Hebrews 10:19-20
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body.
3.31.2006
My Daily Bread
Over the past few weeks I've been blessed. In a two-week period, people brought me food -- like 10 bags worth -- and I was taken to lunch multiple times. I got a raise at my part-time job, some cash I didn't expect and an increase in hours. I'm just grateful to God and thank Him for taken care of me during this time.
3.06.2006
Chosen: An Intriguing Aftertaste
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
-- Luke 10:38-42
Many of us are familiar with the above passage and have heard many sermons on it. At a service at church about a week ago, we were discussing various topics and I was sharing about my current situation where I have ideas about where I'm headed in ministry and the signs that have been coming my way but not exactly sure what it looks like in reality. One lady told me (and everybody) that the place where we need to be is at the feet of Jesus.
Oh.
After she said that, that small voice came and said, "I've been waiting on you."
So as I planned to go home and pray about it (and it took another day), the story came to me and I reread it.
The only way I'm going to get the answers I'm seeking is at the Lord's feet. The image I picture is me holding on to his calf these days.
I went to the altar during ATS' Wholeness Conference as Andy Comiskey shared his story and then went into a prayer time for freedom from shame. He also blessed us for our uniqueness in our personhoods. After it was over, one of the ministers said the angels were celebrating over me and my life and what was to come. I was encouraged.
I'm encouraged that I'm learning more about my brokenness. The root issues that drive my struggles. I've been brokenhearted. I've been self rejecting myself. Issues of co-dependency have been floating around in my system. I avoid pain. I control. I lust, not just sexually, but with anger, resentment, fantasy. Boundary struggles. I don't like not being "chosen." I don't want you to see me. And I still don't know who that is. ...
But at the feet of Jesus, I'm beloved, He delights in me. I'm blessed. His grace and mercy all around me. I experience it every day and its in abundance.
... and so much more.
For the season of Lent, I'm giving up something that seems a little strange. For those of you who like cranberry juice, more power to you. I'm not a fan, it's one of the worse aftertastes I've ever experienced but it's good for your health. I usually drink CranGrape which is kind of a mix and much more enjoyable. So, as I drink up the cranberry juice, I endure the bitter aftertaste. It may only be brief, but the discomfort is my sacrifice. It reminds me of the bitter cup of suffering of Jesus took for me. His blood cleanes and makes whole. Cranberry juice helps the immune system, fights various bacteria, contains a variety of vitamins and the list goes on.
The aftertaste has my attention and I pray. Praying for my healing and if even for a brief moment, I'm at His feet. I'm changing from the inside out. I'm giving my life to Him. He chooses me everytime.
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
-- Luke 10:38-42
Many of us are familiar with the above passage and have heard many sermons on it. At a service at church about a week ago, we were discussing various topics and I was sharing about my current situation where I have ideas about where I'm headed in ministry and the signs that have been coming my way but not exactly sure what it looks like in reality. One lady told me (and everybody) that the place where we need to be is at the feet of Jesus.
Oh.
After she said that, that small voice came and said, "I've been waiting on you."
So as I planned to go home and pray about it (and it took another day), the story came to me and I reread it.
The only way I'm going to get the answers I'm seeking is at the Lord's feet. The image I picture is me holding on to his calf these days.
I went to the altar during ATS' Wholeness Conference as Andy Comiskey shared his story and then went into a prayer time for freedom from shame. He also blessed us for our uniqueness in our personhoods. After it was over, one of the ministers said the angels were celebrating over me and my life and what was to come. I was encouraged.
I'm encouraged that I'm learning more about my brokenness. The root issues that drive my struggles. I've been brokenhearted. I've been self rejecting myself. Issues of co-dependency have been floating around in my system. I avoid pain. I control. I lust, not just sexually, but with anger, resentment, fantasy. Boundary struggles. I don't like not being "chosen." I don't want you to see me. And I still don't know who that is. ...
But at the feet of Jesus, I'm beloved, He delights in me. I'm blessed. His grace and mercy all around me. I experience it every day and its in abundance.
... and so much more.
For the season of Lent, I'm giving up something that seems a little strange. For those of you who like cranberry juice, more power to you. I'm not a fan, it's one of the worse aftertastes I've ever experienced but it's good for your health. I usually drink CranGrape which is kind of a mix and much more enjoyable. So, as I drink up the cranberry juice, I endure the bitter aftertaste. It may only be brief, but the discomfort is my sacrifice. It reminds me of the bitter cup of suffering of Jesus took for me. His blood cleanes and makes whole. Cranberry juice helps the immune system, fights various bacteria, contains a variety of vitamins and the list goes on.
The aftertaste has my attention and I pray. Praying for my healing and if even for a brief moment, I'm at His feet. I'm changing from the inside out. I'm giving my life to Him. He chooses me everytime.
2.14.2006
Identity Crisis: Solution in Progress
Back in January, my mentor challenged me to ask God who He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. So, I started praying about it. I even fasted during a week amazingly, the answers started to come. God confirmed that I was annointed, reverend, bishop and other words pointing toward being set apart for the work of the ministry. The amazing thing is that I was so close to giving up on myself being able to do ministry. I wasn't good enough, had sinned too much and really didn't want to stop.
If you ask me how I see myself, most likely I'm going to tell you about the negative. When it happened, it surprised me too. I thought I was passed it. Talking about myself in a positive manner was tough. In the meantime, I found that I have a problem with co-dependency. I've tried so many things to feel special and loved and affirmed and all along, God wanted to be my Father and help me to grow up in a healthy manner. To accept that He loves me and that I'm special no matter how many times I mess up. He wants to know what I feel, what I think and while I've been doing that in the past few years, He wants true intimacy. My heart opens so much more -- He just wants an amazing relationship with me.
I'm tired of settling for mediocrity. I've been taking particular steps and make myself more known to people around me and while it's been tough, I'm more peaceful than I've ever been.
What's really started to surprise me are the Scriputes are grabbing my attention -- Isaiah 61, Isaiah 6 and Jeremiah 1:7-17. If you check them out, huge tasks. While I approach them with hesitancy, I'm also excited. Here I am on the verge of preaching to the poor, submitting to God to send me and willing to drop the excuses to labor the harvest -- challenging God's people to grow up, get off the milk and press toward the mark of the Christ Jesus. ... And I'm talking about the local church.
And to top it off, I'm starting to believe that my guilt is gone, my sin atoned for.
Know that you can have the same, my brothers and sisters.
Be encouraged.
In Christ,
CD
If you ask me how I see myself, most likely I'm going to tell you about the negative. When it happened, it surprised me too. I thought I was passed it. Talking about myself in a positive manner was tough. In the meantime, I found that I have a problem with co-dependency. I've tried so many things to feel special and loved and affirmed and all along, God wanted to be my Father and help me to grow up in a healthy manner. To accept that He loves me and that I'm special no matter how many times I mess up. He wants to know what I feel, what I think and while I've been doing that in the past few years, He wants true intimacy. My heart opens so much more -- He just wants an amazing relationship with me.
I'm tired of settling for mediocrity. I've been taking particular steps and make myself more known to people around me and while it's been tough, I'm more peaceful than I've ever been.
What's really started to surprise me are the Scriputes are grabbing my attention -- Isaiah 61, Isaiah 6 and Jeremiah 1:7-17. If you check them out, huge tasks. While I approach them with hesitancy, I'm also excited. Here I am on the verge of preaching to the poor, submitting to God to send me and willing to drop the excuses to labor the harvest -- challenging God's people to grow up, get off the milk and press toward the mark of the Christ Jesus. ... And I'm talking about the local church.
And to top it off, I'm starting to believe that my guilt is gone, my sin atoned for.
Know that you can have the same, my brothers and sisters.
Be encouraged.
In Christ,
CD
12.30.2005
I'm sorry, God
I'm coming to realize a lot these days. I once had a counselor talk to me about being sorry for the damage I'd done to myself. I "kind of" got it that day. But recently, I'm starting to see more and more of bad decisions I made in my past and how they affect me today. I blamed a lot of people and I blamed God for most of it. How come He didn't do anything? Well, He probably was trying but I was doing things my way. So now I say...
I'm sorry, God.
I'm sorry for not trusting You and for not letting You take care of me. I've got a ways to go but I'll put my best foot forward and I pray that you make me perfect in love, I cast my anxiety on You for you care for me, please renew my mind and create in me a new heart -- that I'm motivated out of love and trust for You.
"It is to the man who loves Him that Jesus reveals Himself even more fully. Obidient, trusting love lends to a fuller and a fuller revelation. ... No evil man can receive the revelation of God. he can be used by God, but he can have no fellowship with God. It is only to the man who is looking for Him that God reveals Himself. ... Fellowship with God, the revelation of God, are dependent on love; and love is dependent on obedience (as cited by Willam Barclay, 'The Gospel of John')."
-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 75-76
To my friends, family, brothers and sisters, I'm sorry that I haven't given you my best. In the new year, I'll do better. Let's press on together.
Much love.
In Christ,
CD
I'm sorry, God.
I'm sorry for not trusting You and for not letting You take care of me. I've got a ways to go but I'll put my best foot forward and I pray that you make me perfect in love, I cast my anxiety on You for you care for me, please renew my mind and create in me a new heart -- that I'm motivated out of love and trust for You.
"It is to the man who loves Him that Jesus reveals Himself even more fully. Obidient, trusting love lends to a fuller and a fuller revelation. ... No evil man can receive the revelation of God. he can be used by God, but he can have no fellowship with God. It is only to the man who is looking for Him that God reveals Himself. ... Fellowship with God, the revelation of God, are dependent on love; and love is dependent on obedience (as cited by Willam Barclay, 'The Gospel of John')."
-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 75-76
To my friends, family, brothers and sisters, I'm sorry that I haven't given you my best. In the new year, I'll do better. Let's press on together.
Much love.
In Christ,
CD
12.15.2005
He Does It Well
The heavens are telling
Of God and His glory
A mighty God we serve
They speak of His character
Awesome Creator
A mighty God we serve
Angels bow before Him
Heaven and earth adore Him
No other God above Him
A mighty God we serve
Hail the power and glory of God
Hail the power and glory of God
The earth and skies, glory
The land and seas, God's glory
The flowers and trees, glory
You and me, God's glory
Everything He does
He does it well
He does it well
What a mighty God we serve
-- From "The Heavens Are Telling" by Karen Clark-Sheard
Of God and His glory
A mighty God we serve
They speak of His character
Awesome Creator
A mighty God we serve
Angels bow before Him
Heaven and earth adore Him
No other God above Him
A mighty God we serve
Hail the power and glory of God
Hail the power and glory of God
The earth and skies, glory
The land and seas, God's glory
The flowers and trees, glory
You and me, God's glory
Everything He does
He does it well
He does it well
What a mighty God we serve
-- From "The Heavens Are Telling" by Karen Clark-Sheard
12.05.2005
Face To Face
We gravitate toward people that make us feel good.
True relationships are what we seek but really have no idea what we're asking for. I learned recently the reason behind accountability. The truth spoken from the outside. I lie to myself a lot. I can give you just enough of the truth to make you think what I want you to. I came face to face with myself over the weekend. A friend called me out on my self-centeredness and my bad habits. He threw out some recommendations for help. It took a couple of days to sink in. While I may still disagree in some areas, the bottom line is that sin is sin. I love helping people out of their mess. Why don't I want the same for mysef? I do at times. But then this cross-bearing gets hard and I don't want to anymore. "Living the life" throughout the week is tough. Especially when you've been doing it your way most of your life ... like me.
The hard truth, it's not about me. It never has been. It's about God and what He wants.
It's not about you. It's about God and what He wants.
"Anything crooked in the life must be straightened, any stumbling blocks removed. Low levels of spiritual living must be raised, and rough character polished. Areas of neglect must be remedied, and relationships adjusted. This is something for which we alone are responsible, but the Holy Spirit will cooperate with us to this end."
-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 29
True relationships are what we seek but really have no idea what we're asking for. I learned recently the reason behind accountability. The truth spoken from the outside. I lie to myself a lot. I can give you just enough of the truth to make you think what I want you to. I came face to face with myself over the weekend. A friend called me out on my self-centeredness and my bad habits. He threw out some recommendations for help. It took a couple of days to sink in. While I may still disagree in some areas, the bottom line is that sin is sin. I love helping people out of their mess. Why don't I want the same for mysef? I do at times. But then this cross-bearing gets hard and I don't want to anymore. "Living the life" throughout the week is tough. Especially when you've been doing it your way most of your life ... like me.
The hard truth, it's not about me. It never has been. It's about God and what He wants.
It's not about you. It's about God and what He wants.
"Anything crooked in the life must be straightened, any stumbling blocks removed. Low levels of spiritual living must be raised, and rough character polished. Areas of neglect must be remedied, and relationships adjusted. This is something for which we alone are responsible, but the Holy Spirit will cooperate with us to this end."
-- From "Enjoying Intimacy with God," J. Oswald Sanders, p. 29
11.29.2005
My Prayer
Lord,
Thank You being faithful when I'm unfaithful.
Thank You for grace and mercy when I take it them for granted.
Thank You for loving me so much to never let me go.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
Thank You being faithful when I'm unfaithful.
Thank You for grace and mercy when I take it them for granted.
Thank You for loving me so much to never let me go.
In Jesus' name,
Amen.
11.28.2005
Today
Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare
-- "Will I" from "Rent"
This song was featured in the movie I saw last week with a friend. [Just a quick note, the subjects and themes are not easy and very liberal.] The song "Will I" is from a scene showing an AIDS support group and how they are living with the disease. After the movie, we were talking about how even "secular" people understand community. The lyrics jumped out at me because I'm in a place where I need to reveal more of me in order to keep pressing forward in Christ. I fear rejection and humilation most of all. I may lose everything. My life right now is far from stable and full of anxiety. I struggle. My first blog post says to come closer. I'm running away again. Living in torment and being alone is what I know.
There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today
-- From "Finale B" in "Rent"
I doubt they were talking about God. But for me and for you who need this, we must give in to His love or continue to live in fear. Let's start today.
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare
-- "Will I" from "Rent"
This song was featured in the movie I saw last week with a friend. [Just a quick note, the subjects and themes are not easy and very liberal.] The song "Will I" is from a scene showing an AIDS support group and how they are living with the disease. After the movie, we were talking about how even "secular" people understand community. The lyrics jumped out at me because I'm in a place where I need to reveal more of me in order to keep pressing forward in Christ. I fear rejection and humilation most of all. I may lose everything. My life right now is far from stable and full of anxiety. I struggle. My first blog post says to come closer. I'm running away again. Living in torment and being alone is what I know.
There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today
-- From "Finale B" in "Rent"
I doubt they were talking about God. But for me and for you who need this, we must give in to His love or continue to live in fear. Let's start today.
11.21.2005
Grief/Unguarded
The past couple of weeks have had a lot of ups and downs. In three days, I was blessed with a temporary full-time job and had another interview for a single adult pastor/small groups position (across the country) in which I found out I was one of two finalists. The interview was great and the connection I had with the interviewer, their ministry, etc. had me excited, overwhelmed, but it seemed that this could be it. I found out four days later, I didn't get the job and it seems like they're going to start the search process all over. And it hurt.
I kept telling myself that there was a chance that this job could not happen and that was ok. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast. But I think it would have hurt either way. To top it off, with some of my friends, I was apart of leading worship in chapel a few hours later, I was fine through part of it, but by the end of the service, I was ready to get off the stage and go back and hide. I couldn't enjoy the time. People were really worshipping and I was wondering if I was off key or if the desire just wasn't there that day.
I had my bouts with anger and shock. Then more anger. I have a feeling of the road ahead. The one that is straight and narrow. The one I don't want. Being a "martyr" so to speak. Not what you think but for me to truly share myself and face possble rejection and then have to face it again and again, is a cross I don't want to bear. There's more, but that's all I'm going to tell. The church is out west is a more open culture. The interviewer shared so much with me in just an hour and a half and it was cool. Feeling connected. Thinking I could be a part of that got me excited. But let's face it, I'm really guarded, my trust is still being repaired. Could I just change with a change in venue? Maybe, maybe not.
Then there's the fear that my job could be over in January for good. There's current financial struggles. Money is on the way. Just not where I want it to be. Then my car needs work and I can't take care of that until the money issue is settled. I want to go home in a few days and wondering if I'll be able to. I have to move by the end of December for the forth time since May. I want stability. I want some consistency. I've had conflict with people over this past year. Seems like more than normal. I have a lot of anger on the inside. I want control. I want someone to be consistent. I'm not though. I'm so busy trying to invest in others' lives. It seems like most of my life people get so angry at me when I don't fit their expectations. I either fit in or rebel on purpose. My mentor called me out on that. I realize that others' expectations of me still affects me. I thought I had it all taken care of. It scares me that I'm going to have to really figure out what to do about that in the next month or so. I may have to be uncomfortable a lot. Hanging out with people who make me comfortable may have to go. Or maybe it won't happen. I have no clue.
Back to the story...
So the next day I went to chapel. I didn't expect much. They showed a video about mission trips to the Gulf Coast. One story featured was a pastor who put a sign out on the road next to his church that read, "Open for prayer." He then told the story of a truck driver who stopped by, gave him a notebook and then asked him not to read it until he drove away. The pastor asked his name and he told him. So the pastor read it and it was full of this man's confessions, shortcomings, etc. and at the end, it read, "God have mercy." The pastor then put up a sign that read, "[insert name here] God heard you."
I teared up pretty quickly. I wondered, do I feel for the truck driver, or is it for me? We sung "Let the River Flow" afterward. I've never been a fan of that song but the first line says, "Let the poor man say I am rich in Him." I couldn't get anything out for the entire song. Was I just grieving? Or maybe God got through to my heart. For those few minutes, I was unguarded.
Over the next couple of days, I thought back to days of growing up heartbroken after praying for a good day at school and it didn't happen a majority of the time. Or the past year of my life when I prayed, cried out, searched for answers and I was the problem. Then I think of the night I heard, "Come Closer." I admit that maybe I don't think God listens. Maybe I don't think I'm forgiven for all the wrongs I've done. So much theology and Scripture to take into account. My head knows it. But maybe my heart is starting to accept it.
I was unguarded.
I kept telling myself that there was a chance that this job could not happen and that was ok. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast. But I think it would have hurt either way. To top it off, with some of my friends, I was apart of leading worship in chapel a few hours later, I was fine through part of it, but by the end of the service, I was ready to get off the stage and go back and hide. I couldn't enjoy the time. People were really worshipping and I was wondering if I was off key or if the desire just wasn't there that day.
I had my bouts with anger and shock. Then more anger. I have a feeling of the road ahead. The one that is straight and narrow. The one I don't want. Being a "martyr" so to speak. Not what you think but for me to truly share myself and face possble rejection and then have to face it again and again, is a cross I don't want to bear. There's more, but that's all I'm going to tell. The church is out west is a more open culture. The interviewer shared so much with me in just an hour and a half and it was cool. Feeling connected. Thinking I could be a part of that got me excited. But let's face it, I'm really guarded, my trust is still being repaired. Could I just change with a change in venue? Maybe, maybe not.
Then there's the fear that my job could be over in January for good. There's current financial struggles. Money is on the way. Just not where I want it to be. Then my car needs work and I can't take care of that until the money issue is settled. I want to go home in a few days and wondering if I'll be able to. I have to move by the end of December for the forth time since May. I want stability. I want some consistency. I've had conflict with people over this past year. Seems like more than normal. I have a lot of anger on the inside. I want control. I want someone to be consistent. I'm not though. I'm so busy trying to invest in others' lives. It seems like most of my life people get so angry at me when I don't fit their expectations. I either fit in or rebel on purpose. My mentor called me out on that. I realize that others' expectations of me still affects me. I thought I had it all taken care of. It scares me that I'm going to have to really figure out what to do about that in the next month or so. I may have to be uncomfortable a lot. Hanging out with people who make me comfortable may have to go. Or maybe it won't happen. I have no clue.
Back to the story...
So the next day I went to chapel. I didn't expect much. They showed a video about mission trips to the Gulf Coast. One story featured was a pastor who put a sign out on the road next to his church that read, "Open for prayer." He then told the story of a truck driver who stopped by, gave him a notebook and then asked him not to read it until he drove away. The pastor asked his name and he told him. So the pastor read it and it was full of this man's confessions, shortcomings, etc. and at the end, it read, "God have mercy." The pastor then put up a sign that read, "[insert name here] God heard you."
I teared up pretty quickly. I wondered, do I feel for the truck driver, or is it for me? We sung "Let the River Flow" afterward. I've never been a fan of that song but the first line says, "Let the poor man say I am rich in Him." I couldn't get anything out for the entire song. Was I just grieving? Or maybe God got through to my heart. For those few minutes, I was unguarded.
Over the next couple of days, I thought back to days of growing up heartbroken after praying for a good day at school and it didn't happen a majority of the time. Or the past year of my life when I prayed, cried out, searched for answers and I was the problem. Then I think of the night I heard, "Come Closer." I admit that maybe I don't think God listens. Maybe I don't think I'm forgiven for all the wrongs I've done. So much theology and Scripture to take into account. My head knows it. But maybe my heart is starting to accept it.
I was unguarded.
11.08.2005
I Don't Wanna Die, Part II -- Dehydration
An excerpt from Sacred Romance:"We can either deaden our heart or divide our life into two parts, where our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of our needs, the place where we quench the thirt of our heart with whatever water is available. I chosethe second route, living what I thought I thought of as my religious life with increasing dryness and cynicism while I found "water" where I could: in sexual fantasies, alchohol, the next dinner out, late-night violence videos, gaining more knowledge through religious seminars -- whatever would slake th thirsty restlessness inside. Whichever path we choose -- heart deadness or heart and head sepatation -- the Arrows win and we lose heart" (Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, p. 31).
The past few weeks I've had moments of loneliness. That's new. I do have solid relationships. Iv'e been blessed with friends from ATS and across the country. We all know we're works in progress. Most of us finally get to a place where we truly walk with each other. But oustide of that, I have to acknowledge I'm hesitant to trust people. Once again, my past affected my present. So, here we go again -- confession, forgiveness. Now I have to change. My "theater" is about to close down.
I'm thirsty. I believe God is doing a major work -- I'm feeling the needs of my heart but like Brent Curtis, I looked for other types of water. I'm having a hard time letting go of the old water even though it just leaves me more thirsty.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:9)
Living Water, quinch my thirst.
The past few weeks I've had moments of loneliness. That's new. I do have solid relationships. Iv'e been blessed with friends from ATS and across the country. We all know we're works in progress. Most of us finally get to a place where we truly walk with each other. But oustide of that, I have to acknowledge I'm hesitant to trust people. Once again, my past affected my present. So, here we go again -- confession, forgiveness. Now I have to change. My "theater" is about to close down.
I'm thirsty. I believe God is doing a major work -- I'm feeling the needs of my heart but like Brent Curtis, I looked for other types of water. I'm having a hard time letting go of the old water even though it just leaves me more thirsty.
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:9)
Living Water, quinch my thirst.
10.28.2005
"I Don't Wanna Die," Part I
An excerpt from Pursuing Sexual Wholeness: “A fellow pastor … described a church service after which he decided to act on his discernment that two members in attendance were gay. He called them into his office, and they both admitted their homosexuality and their status as lovers. The pastor kindly but firmly told them that each needed to repent of his sin and break off his relationship with the other. The one man replied: “You’re not asking me to stop smoking or change my hair color. You’re asking me to lay down everything I know to be true and tangible and submit myself to Jesus and his church where I hardly know anybody, really. You’re asking me to die.” Alive to the spiritual metaphor of death unto new life, the pastor’s eyes twinkled, and he replied almost merrily, “That’s exactly what I’m asking you to do” (Andy Comiskey, p. 78-79).
I was recently in a conversation with a friend who was looking to get away and do some homework in peace and quiet for a weekend. This person was going through a time when he or she was challenged to die to self. I suggested to this individual to go to the Abbey of Gethsemani (monestary) and he or she replied, "It's too close to Jesus."
Now, some of you may freak out about that comment. But let's face it, when He's there with your cross, do you smile and take it or do you run away?
We're all being asked to die. Last fall, I prayed in one of my weaker moments and asked God for a repentant heart. It wasn't the first time I've prayed this. And so a process began. From November until early September, I went through the darkest period of my life. We're talking health issues which contributed to multiple doctor visits. Once school was over, job prospects fell through one after the other. I've moved three times since May. But I had to be honest. Bad habits, thinking patterns, pride, fear and just sin had to stop. I had rationalized long enough. I had kept secrets long enough. My faith had to mature. It was time to grow up. I'm slowly coming out of this dark time and still learning and growing.
I write this to encourage those who are going through their dark night of the soul or the desert experience. You CANNOT walk through this alone. I tried and fell flat on my face. The last thing I wanted to do was tell people EVERYTHING that was going on. What would they think? I would get humilated. ... Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit my shortcomings. .. Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit that behind the tough exterior, there's a scared little boy afraid of failure. ... Pride. Shame.
Grace. Mercy. The grace to change and grow. The mercy to save me from destroying myself. There's a community -- a family of Believers, a Royal Priesthood -- who can walk with you through this. Thanks to those who walked and prayed for me through this. That was one lesson I had to learn.
And for those who read this. There's hope for you too. God never gave up on me. He'll never give up on you. ... Never.
I was recently in a conversation with a friend who was looking to get away and do some homework in peace and quiet for a weekend. This person was going through a time when he or she was challenged to die to self. I suggested to this individual to go to the Abbey of Gethsemani (monestary) and he or she replied, "It's too close to Jesus."
Now, some of you may freak out about that comment. But let's face it, when He's there with your cross, do you smile and take it or do you run away?
We're all being asked to die. Last fall, I prayed in one of my weaker moments and asked God for a repentant heart. It wasn't the first time I've prayed this. And so a process began. From November until early September, I went through the darkest period of my life. We're talking health issues which contributed to multiple doctor visits. Once school was over, job prospects fell through one after the other. I've moved three times since May. But I had to be honest. Bad habits, thinking patterns, pride, fear and just sin had to stop. I had rationalized long enough. I had kept secrets long enough. My faith had to mature. It was time to grow up. I'm slowly coming out of this dark time and still learning and growing.
I write this to encourage those who are going through their dark night of the soul or the desert experience. You CANNOT walk through this alone. I tried and fell flat on my face. The last thing I wanted to do was tell people EVERYTHING that was going on. What would they think? I would get humilated. ... Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit my shortcomings. .. Pride. Shame. ... I'd have to admit that behind the tough exterior, there's a scared little boy afraid of failure. ... Pride. Shame.
Grace. Mercy. The grace to change and grow. The mercy to save me from destroying myself. There's a community -- a family of Believers, a Royal Priesthood -- who can walk with you through this. Thanks to those who walked and prayed for me through this. That was one lesson I had to learn.
And for those who read this. There's hope for you too. God never gave up on me. He'll never give up on you. ... Never.
10.21.2005
Residue
I've been tweaked a lot lately. I was upset over the past couple of weeks as I felt manipulated by a friend of mine. It's not the first time it's happened. Actually, it's been happening a lot over the past year. Not just with this person, but with others as well. It's been common most of my life. I was once in a relationship when it was like who can outwit, outplay, and outmanipulate the other. My boundaries weren't respected. Do I attract these people or is it just sinful human nature?
But the point is how I reacted. I went ahead and helped this person out, but underneath I was angry. There were nights I could hardly sleep. I had headaches, my appetite was here and there, etc. On top of that, through this time of growth and consecration is motivating me to stop feeding my flesh so I'm basically in withdrawal. I wanted to forgot about my calling and everything and run away into sin. What? My reaction was getting out of control.
Most likely, there's something in my past that's so hurtful that when I feel disrespected or ignored or let's face it, not important, I ready to end the relationship and move on. I don't want to work it out, I don't want to hear it, I'm tired of being in this position. In addition, I start feeling trapped. I grew up in a small town, endured a lot of heartbreak, saw a lot of unhealthy relationships and basically vowed that that cannot happen to me. If I get trapped, my life is over. And I'm just starting to learn how to live. ...
But the point is how I reacted. I went ahead and helped this person out, but underneath I was angry. There were nights I could hardly sleep. I had headaches, my appetite was here and there, etc. On top of that, through this time of growth and consecration is motivating me to stop feeding my flesh so I'm basically in withdrawal. I wanted to forgot about my calling and everything and run away into sin. What? My reaction was getting out of control.
Most likely, there's something in my past that's so hurtful that when I feel disrespected or ignored or let's face it, not important, I ready to end the relationship and move on. I don't want to work it out, I don't want to hear it, I'm tired of being in this position. In addition, I start feeling trapped. I grew up in a small town, endured a lot of heartbreak, saw a lot of unhealthy relationships and basically vowed that that cannot happen to me. If I get trapped, my life is over. And I'm just starting to learn how to live. ...
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