The Way of Repentance

Matthew 4:17
"From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand."


"Repentance, the refashioning of the heart has begun and the Kingdom of God -- the gratefully carefree life of children -- has come within your grasp at last and you are about to reach out and take possession of it."

— The Way to Love by Anthony De Mello

A few years ago, I asked God for a repentant heart because I was trapped in a sinful habit. Well, the process was way more than I ever imagined. It wasn't just about the bad habit. It was about idoltry, rebellion and false beliefs.

And so I entered the dark hight of the soul/the desert experience -- the process God uses to take away my attachments to worldly things. According to De Mello, attachements are beliefs that we need certain things to be content. I thought I needed lust, comfort, money, the right job, a right title, acceptance from others, power, success, the right friends, the right church and absolute control. The belief that suffering should not come my way because I had had enough of that madness. The thought that there was nothing wrong with keeping secrects. That I'd be ok if no one really knew me. The belief that once I had what I needed, then I would be able to take care of things, including myself. That's what we're taught. That's what we're supposed to do. I thought I needed so many things to be content. Hanging on to these attachments is about self-gratification. But when the pleasure ends. When the high is gone? Then what? Empty again.

Truth be told, I'm already content. I'll fully accepted and love by God through Jesus Christ. It's those attachments that's screwing things up. It's warped thinking patterns at work. So last week, as I began to read De Mello's devotional, I was inspired to pray for a renewal of the mind (Romans 12:2). Within three days, I saw where my beliefs injured a friend and myself. Over the course of years, I allowed a lack of boundaries and dishonesty to breathe life into resentment and anger. The friendship ended. But in the midst of it, God affirmed me and said, "You're still my son." I grieved the loss -- the damage I did to them and the damage I did to myself.

I started "Grace Walk" by Steve McVey this week. It's confirming the hunger I've been having -- to rest at the feet of Jesus instead of doing so much trying and so much striving (even thought I like it -- another attachment). In Genesis, Adam told God, "no thanks" and decided to be self-sufficient. I was doing the same thing. Attachements kept me from enjoying intimacy with my Father. My time in the dark night took away many of the attachements. Those things which allow me to find my worth, get approval, be self-sufficient, etc. The good news though is that I've experienced intimacy with Jesus and other people. As I've been abiding and tasting the sweet communion with Christ, the fruit flows naturally. The repentance came and continues to come.

Now to fully surrender is the next step. And then I can grasp and take hold of the Kingdom.

I want it.

An answered prayer. ... and then some.