5.31.2006

Facetime

Just when I had given up
You were waiting for me to submit
I said yes and realized
It was my sin, my hurts, my doubts I must admit

Overwhelmed with envy
Stuck in a pity party
I acknowledge this time of preparation
Continued sanctification

Going deeper with You
Must occur with other sons and daughters
Connecting them them
Connects me with You, my Living Water

I spent a season, holding on to Your feet
Then decided I want to move to Your chest
It will cost my life
To listen to Your heartbeat, that's best

Honesty, love, sacrifice
Abiding with the Vine
Confession, repetentance, accountability
Transformation occurs during facetime

5.25.2006

Heartbroken

Can one more thing go wrong?
How much more of this suffering must go on?
No direction, no goals
No idea what to do anymore
Yeah, that's right, my anger's far from gone

I'm sure there's Scripture
Or some advice you can give
You have no idea of the pain, frustration
When all your childhood dreams
Can no longer live

Do they have to die?
I still hope they come true
Bit the bullet, worked hard
Success, titles, adoration
My idols; on the inside, I'm blue

This is not the life I envisioned
But Christian ministry is no joke
I knew better to think that it would be easy
And without the comfort
Some days I wonder, did I choke?

This isn't about me
I hear it, I understand
But when the rubber hits the road
And the truth comes to life
Sometimes I don't like playing in this band

I can never give up
I've tried many times before
Believe it or not
The sinners I hung with
Knew I was destined for more

So today I realize I'm dying
I discover what really make me tick
I confess the darkness in the light
Get rid of the stuff
That's been making me sick

Interviews from DC to the West Coast
It's been "no" after "no"
And what I've learned is that
I don't do well
When I'm not chosen

So you're reading my dairy
Written in my head where it's spoken
Now you know what's it like
When your expectations, aspirations and passions
Don't get met, yes, I'm heartbroken.

5.17.2006

Living Behind Closed Doors

If you could really see I've been playing this game
No one can see my heartache and shame
A lifetime of living with lie after lie
So much fight to keep hope alive
I'd given up when I was about 13
Kids and family, everybody's so freaking mean
So in this game of hide and seek
If you dig deep enough, you see, I'm really weak

I did whatever I could to avoid pain
Show no emotion, filter my words, no conflict can reign
You may not believe I'm an angry person
Not able to trust, so my condition worsens
But those feelings do not just go away
They come back with a vengeance and I live with them each day
Counselors, mentors, small groups and friends
I must disclose, share my heart and confess my sins

During the past nine months I had no clue
That moving closer to God, it's my time, I'm due
Change was bound to come, one step at a time
The softening of my heart, the renewing of my mind
The tears may come, you may even see
I'm not as even keel as I appear to be
Chains will break, sight to the blind
Who is this man? He's confident yet kind

Acceptance, love and security, that's what I was searching for
Titles, trophies, worship and sex; I wanted more, more, more
That season has been ending for quite some time
Those were my best friends, they were mine
I grieve as I bury them in a grave
A close walk with Jesus is my reward, if I behave :)
I desire Him in fellowship in my innermost core
Come join me, brothers and sisters, I can't do this
living behind closed doors.