Living Behind Closed Doors

If you could really see I've been playing this game
No one can see my heartache and shame
A lifetime of living with lie after lie
So much fight to keep hope alive
I'd given up when I was about 13
Kids and family, everybody's so freaking mean
So in this game of hide and seek
If you dig deep enough, you see, I'm really weak

I did whatever I could to avoid pain
Show no emotion, filter my words, no conflict can reign
You may not believe I'm an angry person
Not able to trust, so my condition worsens
But those feelings do not just go away
They come back with a vengeance and I live with them each day
Counselors, mentors, small groups and friends
I must disclose, share my heart and confess my sins

During the past nine months I had no clue
That moving closer to God, it's my time, I'm due
Change was bound to come, one step at a time
The softening of my heart, the renewing of my mind
The tears may come, you may even see
I'm not as even keel as I appear to be
Chains will break, sight to the blind
Who is this man? He's confident yet kind

Acceptance, love and security, that's what I was searching for
Titles, trophies, worship and sex; I wanted more, more, more
That season has been ending for quite some time
Those were my best friends, they were mine
I grieve as I bury them in a grave
A close walk with Jesus is my reward, if I behave :)
I desire Him in fellowship in my innermost core
Come join me, brothers and sisters, I can't do this
living behind closed doors.