11.29.2005

My Prayer

Lord,

Thank You being faithful when I'm unfaithful.

Thank You for grace and mercy when I take it them for granted.

Thank You for loving me so much to never let me go.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.

11.28.2005

Today

Will I lose my dignity
will someone care
will I wake tomorrow
from this nightmare

-- "Will I" from "Rent"

This song was featured in the movie I saw last week with a friend. [Just a quick note, the subjects and themes are not easy and very liberal.] The song "Will I" is from a scene showing an AIDS support group and how they are living with the disease. After the movie, we were talking about how even "secular" people understand community. The lyrics jumped out at me because I'm in a place where I need to reveal more of me in order to keep pressing forward in Christ. I fear rejection and humilation most of all. I may lose everything. My life right now is far from stable and full of anxiety. I struggle. My first blog post says to come closer. I'm running away again. Living in torment and being alone is what I know.

There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today

-- From "Finale B" in "Rent"

I doubt they were talking about God. But for me and for you who need this, we must give in to His love or continue to live in fear. Let's start today.

11.21.2005

Grief/Unguarded

The past couple of weeks have had a lot of ups and downs. In three days, I was blessed with a temporary full-time job and had another interview for a single adult pastor/small groups position (across the country) in which I found out I was one of two finalists. The interview was great and the connection I had with the interviewer, their ministry, etc. had me excited, overwhelmed, but it seemed that this could be it. I found out four days later, I didn't get the job and it seems like they're going to start the search process all over. And it hurt.

I kept telling myself that there was a chance that this job could not happen and that was ok. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast. But I think it would have hurt either way. To top it off, with some of my friends, I was apart of leading worship in chapel a few hours later, I was fine through part of it, but by the end of the service, I was ready to get off the stage and go back and hide. I couldn't enjoy the time. People were really worshipping and I was wondering if I was off key or if the desire just wasn't there that day.

I had my bouts with anger and shock. Then more anger. I have a feeling of the road ahead. The one that is straight and narrow. The one I don't want. Being a "martyr" so to speak. Not what you think but for me to truly share myself and face possble rejection and then have to face it again and again, is a cross I don't want to bear. There's more, but that's all I'm going to tell. The church is out west is a more open culture. The interviewer shared so much with me in just an hour and a half and it was cool. Feeling connected. Thinking I could be a part of that got me excited. But let's face it, I'm really guarded, my trust is still being repaired. Could I just change with a change in venue? Maybe, maybe not.

Then there's the fear that my job could be over in January for good. There's current financial struggles. Money is on the way. Just not where I want it to be. Then my car needs work and I can't take care of that until the money issue is settled. I want to go home in a few days and wondering if I'll be able to. I have to move by the end of December for the forth time since May. I want stability. I want some consistency. I've had conflict with people over this past year. Seems like more than normal. I have a lot of anger on the inside. I want control. I want someone to be consistent. I'm not though. I'm so busy trying to invest in others' lives. It seems like most of my life people get so angry at me when I don't fit their expectations. I either fit in or rebel on purpose. My mentor called me out on that. I realize that others' expectations of me still affects me. I thought I had it all taken care of. It scares me that I'm going to have to really figure out what to do about that in the next month or so. I may have to be uncomfortable a lot. Hanging out with people who make me comfortable may have to go. Or maybe it won't happen. I have no clue.

Back to the story...
So the next day I went to chapel. I didn't expect much. They showed a video about mission trips to the Gulf Coast. One story featured was a pastor who put a sign out on the road next to his church that read, "Open for prayer." He then told the story of a truck driver who stopped by, gave him a notebook and then asked him not to read it until he drove away. The pastor asked his name and he told him. So the pastor read it and it was full of this man's confessions, shortcomings, etc. and at the end, it read, "God have mercy." The pastor then put up a sign that read, "[insert name here] God heard you."

I teared up pretty quickly. I wondered, do I feel for the truck driver, or is it for me? We sung "Let the River Flow" afterward. I've never been a fan of that song but the first line says, "Let the poor man say I am rich in Him." I couldn't get anything out for the entire song. Was I just grieving? Or maybe God got through to my heart. For those few minutes, I was unguarded.

Over the next couple of days, I thought back to days of growing up heartbroken after praying for a good day at school and it didn't happen a majority of the time. Or the past year of my life when I prayed, cried out, searched for answers and I was the problem. Then I think of the night I heard, "Come Closer." I admit that maybe I don't think God listens. Maybe I don't think I'm forgiven for all the wrongs I've done. So much theology and Scripture to take into account. My head knows it. But maybe my heart is starting to accept it.

I was unguarded.

11.08.2005

I Don't Wanna Die, Part II -- Dehydration

An excerpt from Sacred Romance:"We can either deaden our heart or divide our life into two parts, where our outer story becomes the theater of the should and our inner story the theater of our needs, the place where we quench the thirt of our heart with whatever water is available. I chosethe second route, living what I thought I thought of as my religious life with increasing dryness and cynicism while I found "water" where I could: in sexual fantasies, alchohol, the next dinner out, late-night violence videos, gaining more knowledge through religious seminars -- whatever would slake th thirsty restlessness inside. Whichever path we choose -- heart deadness or heart and head sepatation -- the Arrows win and we lose heart" (Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, p. 31).

The past few weeks I've had moments of loneliness. That's new. I do have solid relationships. Iv'e been blessed with friends from ATS and across the country. We all know we're works in progress. Most of us finally get to a place where we truly walk with each other. But oustide of that, I have to acknowledge I'm hesitant to trust people. Once again, my past affected my present. So, here we go again -- confession, forgiveness. Now I have to change. My "theater" is about to close down.

I'm thirsty. I believe God is doing a major work -- I'm feeling the needs of my heart but like Brent Curtis, I looked for other types of water. I'm having a hard time letting go of the old water even though it just leaves me more thirsty.

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (I John 1:9)

Living Water, quinch my thirst.