Grief/Unguarded

The past couple of weeks have had a lot of ups and downs. In three days, I was blessed with a temporary full-time job and had another interview for a single adult pastor/small groups position (across the country) in which I found out I was one of two finalists. The interview was great and the connection I had with the interviewer, their ministry, etc. had me excited, overwhelmed, but it seemed that this could be it. I found out four days later, I didn't get the job and it seems like they're going to start the search process all over. And it hurt.

I kept telling myself that there was a chance that this job could not happen and that was ok. I just wasn't prepared for it to happen so fast. But I think it would have hurt either way. To top it off, with some of my friends, I was apart of leading worship in chapel a few hours later, I was fine through part of it, but by the end of the service, I was ready to get off the stage and go back and hide. I couldn't enjoy the time. People were really worshipping and I was wondering if I was off key or if the desire just wasn't there that day.

I had my bouts with anger and shock. Then more anger. I have a feeling of the road ahead. The one that is straight and narrow. The one I don't want. Being a "martyr" so to speak. Not what you think but for me to truly share myself and face possble rejection and then have to face it again and again, is a cross I don't want to bear. There's more, but that's all I'm going to tell. The church is out west is a more open culture. The interviewer shared so much with me in just an hour and a half and it was cool. Feeling connected. Thinking I could be a part of that got me excited. But let's face it, I'm really guarded, my trust is still being repaired. Could I just change with a change in venue? Maybe, maybe not.

Then there's the fear that my job could be over in January for good. There's current financial struggles. Money is on the way. Just not where I want it to be. Then my car needs work and I can't take care of that until the money issue is settled. I want to go home in a few days and wondering if I'll be able to. I have to move by the end of December for the forth time since May. I want stability. I want some consistency. I've had conflict with people over this past year. Seems like more than normal. I have a lot of anger on the inside. I want control. I want someone to be consistent. I'm not though. I'm so busy trying to invest in others' lives. It seems like most of my life people get so angry at me when I don't fit their expectations. I either fit in or rebel on purpose. My mentor called me out on that. I realize that others' expectations of me still affects me. I thought I had it all taken care of. It scares me that I'm going to have to really figure out what to do about that in the next month or so. I may have to be uncomfortable a lot. Hanging out with people who make me comfortable may have to go. Or maybe it won't happen. I have no clue.

Back to the story...
So the next day I went to chapel. I didn't expect much. They showed a video about mission trips to the Gulf Coast. One story featured was a pastor who put a sign out on the road next to his church that read, "Open for prayer." He then told the story of a truck driver who stopped by, gave him a notebook and then asked him not to read it until he drove away. The pastor asked his name and he told him. So the pastor read it and it was full of this man's confessions, shortcomings, etc. and at the end, it read, "God have mercy." The pastor then put up a sign that read, "[insert name here] God heard you."

I teared up pretty quickly. I wondered, do I feel for the truck driver, or is it for me? We sung "Let the River Flow" afterward. I've never been a fan of that song but the first line says, "Let the poor man say I am rich in Him." I couldn't get anything out for the entire song. Was I just grieving? Or maybe God got through to my heart. For those few minutes, I was unguarded.

Over the next couple of days, I thought back to days of growing up heartbroken after praying for a good day at school and it didn't happen a majority of the time. Or the past year of my life when I prayed, cried out, searched for answers and I was the problem. Then I think of the night I heard, "Come Closer." I admit that maybe I don't think God listens. Maybe I don't think I'm forgiven for all the wrongs I've done. So much theology and Scripture to take into account. My head knows it. But maybe my heart is starting to accept it.

I was unguarded.