3.10.2008

"Let Us In"

In the midst of watching parts of "Making the Band 4" today, I caught a glimpse of a vocal coach working with the pop group Danity Kane. For those that don't know, Making The Band is a MTV show where a producer/record executive, ie P. Diddy, travels the country searching for the next pop group, puts them together, and then hopes to make them big stars. Well, my opinion on whom he's found is another post for another day.

I wanted to talk about one of the group members, Dawn, who just asked to sing. The vocal coach wanted to see where the group was in their skill. When Dawn was asked to sing, it was nice and clean. She sang a gospel song. The vocal coach said that was nice ... but he said, "that was for you." He asked her to sing again and throughout he wanted her to connect with the rest of the group and with him. He asked her repeatedly, "let us in."

You could see as she fought to get through the song the second time, the tears started flowing. Her body languaged changed, basically moving into a fetal position. She couldn't even open her eyes. She was self-protecting.

I made note of it.
I hold back.
I've been doing it for so long.
If I give you everything that I got, will I be ok?
If I put my heart and soul into something, leave it all out on the floor, can I live with that?
Can I say I've honestly done that, I don't know.
There may have been glimpses.
There's the fear -- my best won't be good enough. So if I give it to you, then will I be affirmed? Or will you see one more flaw, point it out, and what do I have left?

I'm not big on attention. In my new role as an associate pastor, I'm in the front of the congregation a lot. It's been an adjustment. It was really tough when it felt like every fault, every weak spot, was exposed and I had no where to hide. But I have to do it, and so I fight through it week after week after week. And no one may never know the battle that's won every time I get up, step out and go for it.

I think about relationships in the past. During my time in Kentucky, especially the last two years, I was challenged to let people in. Some days were better than others. With some people, it was easier than others. Moving across the country was harder than I thought. Starting over means for me, who can I trust? Where can I find what I had? Is God challenging me to try something different?

I had a friend who challenged me to go deeper into our relationship as brothers in the Lord. I do have to say that the way he did it was respectful. It was an invitation. I still had the choice to say no. With my background though, it did disturb me. But he met me where I was, we talked it through and I'm grateful. Just from that event, I realized that many others wanted to go deeper with me. With my position and gifting, I hear so much and people let me in and I never take it for granted. But flip it and it's tough. Trusting people is an area of struggle. In time in comes. But I think with some people in my past, it had to be frurstrating. [Now with some people, it would not have been healthy for either of us.]

We're all looking for connection.
We want to be loved.
We want to be accepted just the way we are.

There is a flipside. There's more in us and it's "not for us" but for each other. In an reading an article over the weekend, Ramel Bradley, the point guard for the UK basketball team, talked about his coach Billy Gillespie and how he kept pushing him and the team. He said that there were times he wanted him to stop but he kept going. He wanted to go to the next level with his game. And he was getting there. On Senior Day, Gillespie cried for Bradley and the other senior. They had became better players. They had grown. They were reaching their full potential. I feel the same way when I see people I've discipled change right before my eyes. When they connect with God. When God allows me to see their potential and who they can be, I'm so excited to be a part of their story.

And God knows there's more in me. And other people do too. If I'm willing to learn, "play through the injuries" -- whether it's facing my fears, criticism, or I fail -- then maybe I'll reach my full potential. I'll take my game to the next level.

And just maybe, I'll open my eyes, relax, and I'll let you in ...

2 comments:

Allen said...

Dude, that was awesome and inspiring!

Chris Monroe said...

Powerful post, Carlos. Your honesty, vulnerability, and insatiable thirst for what's deeper is so refreshing!

God is using your story and your journey in ways you're probably not even fully aware of.

Blessings, friend.